Inquiry – “I Hate My Husband…”

The following dialog appears in Loving What Is.

NOTE: Byron Katie’s response to reader comments on this post may be read here>>

Mary, reading the statements from her Worksheet: I hate my husband because he drives me crazy — everything about him, including the way he breathes. What disappoints me is that I don’t love him anymore and our relationship is a charade. I want him to be more successful, to not want to have sex with me, to get in shape, to get a life outside of me and the children, to not touch me anymore, and to be powerful. My husband shouldn’t fool himself that he’s good at our business. He should create more success. My husband is a wimp. He’s needy, and lazy. He’s fooling himself. I refuse to keep living a lie. I refuse to keep living my relationship as an imposter.

Katie: Does that pretty well sum it up? [The audience bursts into laughter, and Mary laughs along with them.] By the sound of the laughter, it seems as though you speak for a lot of people in this room. So, let’s start at the top and see if we can begin to understand what going on.

Mary: I hate my husband because he drives me crazy — everything about him, including the way he breathes.

Katie: “Your husband drives you crazy” — is it true? [This is the first of the four questions: Is it true?]

Mary: Yes.

Katie: Okay. What’s an example of that, sweetheart?… He breathes?

Mary: He breathes. When we’re doing conference calls for our business, I can hear his breath on the other end of the telephone, and I want to scream.

Katie: So his breath drives you crazy — is that true?

Mary: Yes.

Katie: Can you absolutely know that that’s true? [The second question: Can you absolutely know that it’s true?]
Mary: Yes!

Katie: We can all relate to that. I hear that it really is true for you. In my experience, it can’t be your husband’s breath that’s driving you crazy; it has to be your thoughts about his breath that’s driving you crazy. So let’s take a closer look and see if that’s true. What are your thoughts about his breath on the phone?

Mary: That he should be more aware that he’s breathing loudly during a conference call.

Katie: How do you react when you think that thought? [The third question: How do you react when you think that thought?]

Mary: I feel like I want to kill him.

Katie: So what’s more painful — the thought you attach to about his breathing or his breathing?

Mary: The breathing is more painful. I’m comfortable with the thought that I want to kill him. [Mary laughs, and so does the audience.]

Katie: You can keep that thought. That’s the beautiful thing about The Work. You can keep all your thoughts.

Mary: I’ve never done The Work before, so I don’t know any of the “right” answers.

Katie: Your answers are perfect, sweetheart. Don’t rehearse. So he’s breathing on the phone and you have the thought that he should be more aware, and he’s not. What’s the next thought?

Mary: It brings up every terrible thought I have about him.

Katie: Okay, and he’s still breathing. “He should stop breathing into the phone on the conference call” — what’s the reality of it? Does he?

Mary: No. I’ve told him to stop.

Katie: And he still does it. That’s reality. What’s true is always what’s happening, not the story about what should be happening. “He should stop breathing on the phone” — is it true?

Mary, after a pause: No. It’s not true. He’s doing it. That’s what’s true. That’s reality.

Katie: So how do you react when you think the thought that he should stop breathing on the phone, and he doesn’t?

Mary: How do I react? I want out. It feels uncomfortable because I know I want out and I know I’m not going anywhere.

Katie: Let’s move back to inquiry, honey, rather than moving further into your story, your interpretation of what’s happening. Do you really want to know the truth?

Mary: Yes.

Katie: Okay. It helps if we stick to one written statement at a time. Can you see a reason to drop the thought that he should stop breathing on the phone? [This is an additional question that Katie sometimes asks.] For those of you new to The Work, if you hear that I’m asking Mary to drop her story, let me make it very clear: I’m not. This is not about getting rid of thoughts or about overcoming, improving, or surrendering them. None of that. This is about realizing for yourself internal cause and effect. The question is simply “Can you see a reason to drop this thought?”

Mary: Yes, I can. It would be a lot more enjoyable to do conference calls without this thought.

Katie: That’s a good reason. Can you find a stress-free reason to keep this thought, this lie, that he should stop breathing on the phone? [A second additional question]

Mary: No.

Katie: Who would you be without that thought? [The fourth question: Who would you be without the thought?] Who would you be, while you’re on a conference call with your husband, if you didn’t have the ability to think that thought?

Mary: I’d be much happier. I’d be more powerful. I wouldn’t be distracted.

Katie: Yes, sweetheart. That’s it. It’s not his breathing that is causing your problem. It’s your thoughts about his breathing, because you haven’t investigated them to see that they oppose reality in the moment. Let’s look at your next statement.

Mary: I don’t love him anymore.

Katie: Is that true?

Mary: Yes.

Katie: Okay. Good. I hear that, and do you really want to know the truth?

Mary: Yes.

Katie: Okay. Be still. There’s no right or wrong answer. “You don’t love him” — is that true? [Mary is silent.] If you had to answer honestly either “yes” or “no,” right now, and you had to live forever with your answer — your truth or your lie — what would your answer be? “You don’t love him” — is that true? [There is a long pause. Then Mary begins to cry.]

Mary: No. It’s not true.

Katie: That’s a very courageous answer. If we answer it that way, with what’s really true for ourselves, we think that there may be no way out. “Is it true?” is just a question! We’re terrified to answer the simplest question honestly, because we project what that may mean in the imagined future. We think we have to do something about it. How do you react when you believe the thought that you don’t love him?

Mary: It makes my whole life a stupid charade.

Katie: Can you see a reason to drop this thought that you don’t love him? And I’m not asking you to drop the thought.

Mary: Yes, I can see a reason to drop it.

Katie: Can you think of one stress-free reason to keep the thought?

Mary, after a long pause: I think if I keep my story, then I can keep him from wanting to have sex all the time.

Katie: Is that a stress-free reason? It seems stressful to me.

Mary: I guess it is.

Katie: Can you find one stress-free reason to keep that thought?

Mary: Oh, I see. No. There aren’t any stress-free reasons to keep the story.

Katie: Fascinating. Who would you be, standing with your husband, without the thought that you don’t love him?

Mary: It would be great. It would be fabulous. That’s what I want.

Katie: I’m hearing that with the thought, it’s stressful. And without the thought, it’s fabulous. So what does your husband have to do with your unhappiness? We’re just noticing here. So, “I don’t love my husband” — turn it around. [After the four questions comes the turnaround.]

Mary: I do love my husband.

Katie: Feel it. It has nothing to do with him, does it?

Mary: No. It really doesn’t. I do love my husband, and you’re right, it doesn’t have anything to do with him.

Katie: And sometimes you think you hate him, and that doesn’t have anything to do with him, either. The man’s just breathing. You tell the story that you love him, or you tell the story that you hate him. It doesn’t take two people to have a happy marriage. It only takes one — you! There’s another turnaround.

Mary: I don’t love myself. I can relate to that one.

Katie: And you may think that if you divorce him, then you’ll feel good. But if you haven’t investigated your thinking, you’ll attach these same concepts onto whoever comes into your life next. We don’t attach to people or to things; we attach to uninvestigated concepts that we believe to be true in the moment. Let’s look at the next statement on your Worksheet.

Mary: I want my husband not to be needy, not to be dependent on me, to be more successful, to not want to have sex with me, to get in shape, to get a life outside of me and the children, and to be more powerful. Those are just a few.

Katie: Let’s turn that whole statement around.

Mary: I want me not to be needy. I want me not to be dependent on him. I want me to be more successful. I want me to want to have sex with him. I want me to get in shape. I want me to get a life outside of him and the children. I want me to be more powerful.

Katie: So, “He shouldn’t be needy” — is it true? What’s the reality of it? Is he?

Mary: He’s needy.

Katie: “He shouldn’t be needy” is a lie, because the guy, is needy, according to you. So, how do you react when you think the thought “he shouldn’t be needy,” and in your reality he is needy?

Mary: I just want to run away all the time.

Katie: Who would you be in his presence without the thought “He shouldn’t be needy”?

Mary: What I just understood is that I could be with him in a space of love, instead of just having Guide my defenses up. It’s like if I notice any bit of neediness, I’m out of there. I’ve got to run. That’s what I do with my life.

Katie: When he’s acting needy, in your opinion, you don’t say “No” honestly. You run away or want to run away instead of being honest with yourself and him.

Mary: That’s true.

Katie: Well, it would have to be. You have to call him needy until you can get some clarity and honest communication going with yourself. So let’s be clear. You be him and be very needy. I’ll take the role of clarity.

Mary: Mr. Needy comes in and says, “I just had the best phone call. You’ve got to hear about it. It was this guy and he’s going to be fabulous in the business. And I had another call….” You know, he just goes on and on. Meanwhile, I’m busy. I’ve got a deadline.

Katie: “Sweetheart, I hear that you had a wonderful phone call. I love that, and I would also like you to leave the room now. I have a deadline to meet.”

Mary: “We have to talk about our plans. When are we going to Hawaii? We have to figure out what airlines…”

Katie: “I hear that you want to talk about our plans for Hawaii, so let’s discuss this at dinner tonight. I really want you to leave the room now. I have a deadline to meet.”

Mary: “If one of your girlfriends called, you would talk to her for an hour. Now you can’t listen to me for two minutes?”

Katie: “You could be right, and I want you to leave the room now. It may sound cold, but it’s not. I just have a deadline to meet.”

Mary: I don’t do it like that. Usually I’m mean to him. I just seethe.

Katie: You have to be mean, because you’re afraid to tell the truth and say no. You don’t say, “Sweetheart, I would like you to leave. I have a deadline,” because you want something from him. What scam are you running on yourself and on him? What do you want from him?

Mary: I am never straightforward with anybody.

Katie: Because you want something from us. What is it?

Mary: I can’t stand when somebody doesn’t like me. I don’t want disharmony.

Katie: So you want our approval.

Mary: Yes, and I want to maintain harmony.

Katie: Sweetheart, if your husband approves of what you say and what you do, then there is harmony in your home — is that true? Does it work? Is there harmony in your home?

Mary: No.

Katie: You trade your integrity for harmony in the home. It doesn’t work. Spare yourself from seeking love, approval, or appreciation — from anyone. And watch what happens in reality, just for fun. Read your statement again.

Mary: I want my husband not to be needy.

Katie: All right. Turn it around.

Mary: I want me not to be needy.

Katie: Yes, you need all this harmony. You need his approval. You need his breathing to change. You need his sexuality to change for you. Who’s the needy one? Who is dependent on whom? So let’s turn the whole list around.

Mary: I need myself not to be needy, not to be dependent…

Katie: On your husband, perhaps?

Mary: I want myself to be more successful. I want myself to not want to have sex with me.

Katie: That one could be really legitimate if you sit with it. How many times do you tell the 101 story of how he has sex with you and you hate it?

Mary: Constantly.

Katie: Yes. You’re having sex with him in your mind and thinking how terrible that is. You tell the story, over and over, of what it’s like having sex with your husband. That story is what’s repelling you, not your husband. Sex without a story has never repelled anyone. It just is what it is. You’re having sex or you’re not. It’s our thoughts about sex that repel us. Write that one out too, honey. You could write a whole Worksheet on your husband and sexuality.

Mary: I get it.

Katie: Okay, turn the next statement around.

Mary: I want me to get in shape. But I am in shape.

Katie: Oh, really? How about mentally?

Mary: Oh. I could work on that.

Katie: Are you doing the best you can?

Mary: Yes.

Katie: Well, maybe he is, too. “He’s supposed to be in shape” — is that true?

Mary: No. He’s not in shape.

Katie: How do you react when you believe the thought that he should be in shape, and he’s not? How do you treat him? What do you say? What do you do?

Mary: Everything is subtle. I show him my muscles. I don’t ever look at him with approval. I don’t ever admire him. I don’t ever do anything kind in that direction.

Katie: Okay, close your eyes. Look at yourself looking at him that way. Now look at his face. [There is a pause. Mary sighs.] Keep your eyes closed. Look at him again. Who would you be, standing there with him, without the thought that he should be in shape?

Mary: I would look at him and see how handsome he is.

Katie: Yes, angel. And you’d see how much you love him. Isn’t that fascinating? This is very exciting. So let’s just be there a moment. Look at how you treat him, and he still wants to go to Hawaii with you. That’s amazing!

Mary: What’s amazing about this guy is that I am so horrible  and mean, and he loves me without conditions. It drives me nuts.

Katie: “He drives you nuts” — is that true?

Mary: No. So far, it’s been my thinking that drives me nuts.

Katie: So let’s go back. “He should get in shape” — turn it around.

Mary: I should get in shape. I should get my thinking in shape.

Katie: Yes. Every time you look at him and are repulsed, get your thinking in shape. Judge your husband, write it down, ask four questions, and turn it around. But only if you are tired of the pain. Okay, honey, I think you’ve got it. Just continue through the rest of the statements on your Worksheet in the same manner. I love sitting with you. And welcome to inquiry. Welcome to The Work.

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81 comments

  1. I could not believe my eyes when I went to read this…it is my exact story. This “work” is so new to me, it’s like picking up a golf club for the first time…I keep missing the ball…but this blog really helped me.

  2. Dear Katie,
    This blog first came to me on 9/11. Thank you for shinning a light on sanity in my otherwise insane world.
    I remember reading this section in LOVING WHAT IS. And it is new, again, here. I’ve started having the work for breakfast–again. Thanks! Ilove you. Grace

  3. You probably won’t post this, but here goes. I really think this is such a bunch of BS. I understand about turning the mirror on yourself, but it seems that she really does have issues with her husband. I thought the response was really shallow.

    You can love someone without being in love or even respecting them, especially if there is a long history and children…and in their case, a business.

    She’s turned off by everything in this man. As I read this, I was struck by the pompousness of your reply, you really think you gave her all the answers in an exchange that lasted a few minutes? Do you really think she bought it after having some time to mull it over?

    NO! Her issues are still the same. She may have more empathy, as well she should, but that won’t keep her from wanting to be away from him. It was all too apparent from her statements. She loves him for his goodness, but that isn’t the same as the love one should feel for a spouse.

    The all “turn it back on yourself” is really a load of crap and only lasts as long as the conversation. You may find some grains of truth, but not the end all. I challenge you to talk with her again and see if she doesn’t have the same issues she first contacted you about.

    We will see just how enlightened you are by your response to me.

    BTW. I am very well-educated, MBA with a successful business of my own, mother is a psychologist and father sits on the board of directors of a large public company, my undergraduate degree in Life Sciences. I am interested in your response.

    1. I’m so happy that Cassandra posted what might have been a very poorly received response. I had many of the same thoughts that Cassandra pointed out, but I was willing to trust the process anyhow. I’m equally glad that you decided to respond to each of her statements individually as you clarified much of my questions along the way.

  4. You probably won’t post this, but here goes.

    Dearest, Of course I will post your comment. Why shouldn’t I? I love honesty, and I love it that you have given me a chance to explain what isn’t clear to you. If it isn’t clear to you, it probably isn’t clear to many other people as well. So you have given me a wonderful opportunity to help you and other people, and I am very grateful to you for that.

    I really think this is such a bunch of BS. I understand about turning the mirror on yourself, but it seems that she really does have issues with her husband. I thought the response was really shallow.

    Is this really a bunch of BS? You could be right, and to Mary, it felt like anything but. It was a huge experience of heart-opening for her. It changed her life profoundly, and it changed her marriage, because it changed the way she saw her husband. As a result of this first exposure to The Work, she began to do Worksheets (many of them were on her husband) and to give herself her own freedom. She even began to host events when I came to her city, and has continued to this day. What I can tell you is that, according to her, and according to her husband, the Work works.

    And of course she really had issues with her husband. That’s the point! We have all had issues with the people we love. What we don’t realize, though, is that in reality the issues have nothing to do with them. They have to do with our own thoughts about them. Our own unquestioned thoughts are what make us sad or angry or irritated or frustrated. Our husbands or wives can never do that; it’s not possible. When we believe our stressful thinking, we suffer; but when we question our thinking, we don’t suffer.

    What Mary realized in the course of this dialogue – and this was mind-altering for her – was that it wasn’t her husband that was causing her problem, it was what she was believing about her husband. When you truly realize this, it’s major freedom. I often say that no one can hurt me; that’s my job. This is very good news.

    You can love someone without being in love or even respecting them, especially if there is a long history and children…and in their case, a business.

    I don’t agree with you here. In my experience, you can’t love someone without respecting them. Love is respect. And how can you not respect someone unless you are believing your stressful thoughts about them? Any disrespect is your own projection. If your mind were clear and you respected yourself with all your heart, you would respect everyone in the world, you would love everyone in the world, because nothing else would be possible.

    She’s turned off by everything in this man.

    Yes, sweetheart. That’s what it looked like when she began the dialogue. She was very confused.

    As I read this, I was struck by the pompousness of your reply, you really think you gave her all the answers in an exchange that lasted a few minutes?

    Try reading the dialogue again, not from the outside in, but from the inside out. In other words, try applying the four questions and turnaround to someone who annoys you. That’s how these dialogues are meant to be read.

    As for answers, if you look more carefully, you may see that I didn’t give her any answers at all. What good could my answers do her? I gave her questions, that’s all. She gave herself her own answers. That’s the power of The Work. It makes us all equal. No one is wiser than anyone else. We all have equal wisdom. The Work allows us to tap into our own genuine wisdom. That’s why it enables change that is deep and permanent.

    Do you really think she bought it after having some time to mull it over?

    She says so. It has been six or seven years now, and she has gone much deeper than this.

    NO! Her issues are still the same.

    You seem very sure. But really ask yourself if you can absolutely know that that’s true.

    She may have more empathy, as well she should, but that won’t keep her from wanting to be away from him. It was all too apparent from her statements. She loves him for his goodness, but that isn’t the same as the love one should feel for a spouse.

    Yes, she did have more empathy, empathy for herself as well. But that’s not the point. The point is that when she no longer believed her stressful thoughts about her husband, she realized that she had never really known her husband. She was being repelled by her own story about him. And once she realized that, the whole marriage opened up. You should see these two together – they are darling!

    The all “turn it back on yourself” is really a load of crap and only lasts as long as the conversation.

    Again, can you absolutely know that this is true for anyone but yourself, that the insights Mary came to lasted only a short time? This is not my experience, and it is not the experience of hundreds of thousands of people who really doing The Work.

    You may find some grains of truth, but not the end all. I challenge you to talk with her again and see if she doesn’t have the same issues she first contacted you about.

    I have talked with her on many occasions. Many of the same thoughts that used to upset her she laughs at now.

    We will see just how enlightened you are by your response to me.

    Until you are enlightened, I’m not. I am only as enlightened as you see me to be, and that is not at all, and I understand that that serves what you are seeking. I am awake to what hurts and what doesn’t, and that is enough once you know what to do with what does hurt. I am awake to my own stressful thinking. I used to believe it, and it now I don’t.

    BTW. I am very well-educated, MBA with a successful business of my own, mother is a psychologist and father sits on the board of directors of a large public company, my undergraduate degree in Life Sciences. I am interested in your response.

    I hope you find this response helpful. If you really want to understand what still isn’t clear, please let me know. I cannot change your mind, only you can. I couldn’t change my own mind, and I tried with all of my strength. But when I questioned my thoughts about life and you and me, my mind was changed for me. That’s all. The Work is done from the inside and cannot be understood from the outside, and I invite you in to check The Work out.

    Loving what is, and that would be you,
    Gratefully,
    kt

  5. OH Katie I was reading through these archives and found this… I think I was more excited to read your response to this than anything else. Its remarkable how I could see myself in Cassandras thoughts. The challenge of it is WONDERFUL. Your response so straight and direct and void of ego noise. My only feeling at the end of the exchange was that Cassandra is beautiful and (possibly)holding on VERY tight to something that can only serve to cause her pain. And that I am enormously blessed to have come across a human being like you. love always
    eddi
    xxx

  6. I hate my husband. He thinks I am fat and treats me like sh*t! this is new years eve and I have come home from a party because of him. I hate him. I wish he would leave me alone!!! I want a divorce!!!!!!!! He want leave b/c of his children. This is his second marriage and he sucks at it. please help me i am terribly sad!

  7. I, too, just found this while perusing archives. Eddi’s comments reflect many of my thoughts on this thread as well. I absolutely loved reading Katie’s response.
    That kind of dialogue allows us to step back and view the work from a broader angle.

    I am a fairly new observer to Katie’s work. My initial response was that her concepts are too simplistic to be practical in the long term. But as I trudge around her website, reading and viewing more, I am beginning to see the power of what she is teaching. In my opinion, the core of what she is teaching people is how to take responsibility for what they experience life to be. Discovering responsibility for your own life is discovering your own power. This is a truth (in my mind!) that is easily forgotten in our busy lives.

    When you watch where Katie takes these questions, the logic may not sit right with you. You may not agree with what the participant is saying. But, looking past that, you can see that the real lesson here is to teach people to be honest with themselves and take responsibility for their choices. It’s a great message, and I’m thankful to find people bringing it out into public forum. This is how we work to change the world from the inside out.

    Elizabeth–people hear your cry for help. I hope that you can find your way to peace. Know that you have choices.

  8. I can’t believe you actually wrote this:

    “If your mind were clear and you respected yourself with all your heart, you would respect everyone in the world, you would love everyone in the world, because nothing else would be possible.”

    Do you RESPECT murderers and rapists and child molesters???

    Please look up the definition of RESPECT. Either you are uneducated or mentally ill or both to make an inane statement such as this. I am in grad school in the process of getting a PH.D in psychology – I was googling something that unfortuately lead me to your blog. I had to comment b/c I’ve never seen something so moronic as this comment and the above dialogue you have with this woman. Obviously you are/were incapable of getting a REAL degree. I pity the people (all 2 of them!) who are nieve enough to listen to your nonsense. By the way, the woman in the above post is not attracted to her husband. Simple as that.

    1. Educated?? It hasn’t taught you how to spell though!! I feel sorry for your clients as you seem to be a person so “up” yourself and so narrow minded. You are full of contempt and seem to be very upset with Katie. I think you would benefit hugely by doing the WORK yourself. However, I fear you feel you are above any further learning or seeking to understand the truth. Just because you have a PH.D doesn’t make you good at what you do….. It seems to me you are a very unhappy person.

  9. This “REAL psychologist’s opinion” is very enlightening! “Uneducated”, “Mentally ill”, “Inane”, “Moronic”, “Incapable of getting a REAL degree”, “Pity(full)”, “Naive”…
    Yes–I’ve thought all of these things about myself! If I don’t question this self-talk, I guess I’m at risk of labelling and pathologizing my own clients with exactly the same terms.
    Thanks for the worksheet!
    Matthew

  10. I have exact same complains about my husband…
    I dont like me anymore nor love him..
    he is very lazy and donot have any friends …and doesnot talk to anyone .He is extremely calm and it drives me crazy and not at all powerful and successful and not good at sex.

    I got married really young at 21 age and being forced by parents to get married to this unknown person.

    I never loved him and I forced myself to adjust to him …but after 5 yrs of marriage …I still dont love him
    But enexpectedly we had baby last year ….so cannot even think of divorcing him

    Whats the solution for my life…do I need to die living with this guy and cry everyday for being so unfortunate ?

    Any suggestions are helpful …and I did read about above solution …it may not work for me

  11. Katie,I found your site today while trying to figure out why I’m the way I am and found you so helpful to me,,thank you so much,It’s me that needs to change and my thoughts,If I don’t get along or don’t agree with the person,to remove myself from that situation and not stay so miserable,I can’t change them even if I wanted,,and I had wanted my last relationship to work but he would not work with me,I needed to get help with the things that bothered me,but he didn’t want to and now I see I need to be happy with me,,Thank you Katie,,Doris

  12. I really hate my husband I can’t stand the way he moves, the way he breaths, the way he smells, the way he talks, the way he brushes his teeth, the way he combs his hair, the way he walks, the way he eats, the way he blinks, the way he opens the door, the way he closes the door, the way he follws me, the way he smiles, the way he cooks, the way he drives, the way he combs his hair again, the way he looks at me , the way he ask me a question, the way he brushes his teeth, the way he does verything that he do… Now top that

  13. I just found your website today and am impressed at how much of a mind change 4 simple questions can make.

    I have always thought that my husband should be more ambitious, seeking higher positions and more money to support our family. I, too, have felt he was wimpy.

    What I realize now is that I want to make more money. And, I want to be super ambitious. And, I want to support my family in a great way. And, I don’t want to be wimpy.

    I don’t think these thoughts have to be temporary. I do think if I use your principles “in the moment”, I will be able to look more objectively at reality. But, I will have to be willing to look at things a different way.

    And, sometimes there is a payoff for looking at things the way you want to. For instance, if I allow myself to think my husband should be ambitious, I am able to resent him and want him to change (giving me a power position in my own mind… “I’m better than him. He should be more like me. He needs to change.”). Also, that means I don’t need to change any of my thoughts. How convenient! And, that leads me to thinking that MY perspective is the only right one. How convenient for me again!

    But, there is NO joy in that! And, I refuse to live my life like that. Now that I know these questions, I will use them. Thank you for sharing them with us!

  14. I don’t even know how I got to this site, I guess I was searching for some kind of answer to my situation.

    I get what you are saying for the most part, at least I think I do. But even if I turn this around on myself, ask myself the questions, and realize I’m not going to change my husbands drug addiction or lying. I can not see how that information is going to make me “happy” or “content” living everyday not sure when the next lie is coming, or if there will be enough money to pay the bills.
    Nor can I find peace with the idea of never having a loving relationship I can feel secure in. At this point I find myself so depressed that waking up tomorrow is a sad and empty thought.

    I know I’ve got issues myself, but does that mean the only option I have is to “pretend” what he does has nothing to do with me or our marriage?

    He would LOVE you telling me to stay out of his business. He tells me that all the time. How everything would be fine if I would just shut up and let him do what he wants to do. He also says EVERYBODY lies and it is no big deal.

    The problem is that it is a big deal to me. And let us not forget that there is an 8 yr old boy watching his daddy lie and blame his Mother for everything he does. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
    I wish you had an answer for me…

  15. Hi Rhonda,

    I just read your comment and the only answer I would give is to do ‘The Work’ – buy Byron Katie’s first book ‘Loving What Is’, read it and start doing ‘The Work’.

    Trying to ‘think things out’ without using the 4 questions and the turnarounds (which is all that ‘The Work’ is) doesn’t usually work for me.

    Commit to doing ‘The Work’ and you will find your own answers. That has been my experience so far.

    You may also be interested in going to an in-person event – there is a ‘Relationship’ weekend in Chicago on May 4-6.

    Check out http://www.thework.com – there is a huge amount of resources and support to do ‘The Work’ – I have not been to any of the events or the ‘School’ for the Work and have found plenty to work with from the books, blog and website.

    In fact, if you want one of the small sample booklets and CDs that introduces the Work and shows how to start doing it, email me at jon (at) selfhappiness.com with your address and I will send it out to you.

    With love,

    Jon

  16. Funny thing just crossed ‘my mind’…do you think people are ‘Googling’ “I hate my husband”???? and coming up with this site….HURRRAAAHHHH!!! What a thought!! Amazing…what is…

  17. I Just have to add to the original problem. Mary I hate my husband with a passion he’s done so many things there is no way i will ever be able to love him again. I hate how he is in the mirror all the time i hate how he eats, smells, just started smoking ciggars n black n mild 2 1/2 years into our relationship. I hate when he sleeps in the same bed and worst of all when he wants to have sex i feel like i can just vanish and come back when he’s done. i know this isnt normal but it’s how i feel also.

  18. When is divorce the answer? I have been married for more than 20 years, but it seems that happiness eludes me with my wife. We do not have much in common; we generally do not smile and laugh together; the sex is very mediocre; etc.
    How will I ever know that separation might be better for both of us than staying married?

    I desperately need some insight on this. One could struggle along for years trying to improve a marriage, and meanwhile, I am only getting older.

  19. ok, I am guilty I googled “I hate my husband” I was honestly looking for a solution to help fix this marriage by finding ways to improve the way he is..to find a way to reach him, another method to make him listen and care and WANT to help me and in turn I found this… a way to improve myself to accept him as he is and to look more objectively at what the real problem is… it’s not him it’s how i perceive what he does/ or doesn’t do. Before I read this I to thought i hated my husband.. I felt he was lazy, inconsiderate and way over sexed… I was angry that he puts me last (or so i perceived his lack of actions and willingness to help me) He is not without faults but the honest truth is I myself am the one with the issues that need to change. If he can’t help then it’s up to me to find a way to help myself and stop putting all my issues on him. I have always found him sexy… no matter what his shape he is very attractive to me.. and yet i refuse sex.. i fight with him just so i don’t have to consider sex… the fight is a way to justify my own lack of desire to have sex. My own lack of desire to clean and work out my own issues. I guess the truth of it is before now I was using him as an excuse not to accept my own faults.. if i don’t want to clean then I can just blame the mess on his unwillingness to clean. But the problem is I am the one who wants the house clean, not him.. so why should i blame him for not cleaning when he honestly doesn’t care if it’s clean when i myself won’t clean even though the mess drives me crazy. wow.. and the issue that he won’t listen to me.. he gets bored at my rambling even though what i am saying should be very important to him… the truth is what i am saying is important to me, i don’t need him to justify that.. if he can’t/won’t listen to me then i should just be listening to myself. I am the one who has an issue with sex, i am the one who won’t clean, and I am the one who won’t listen to myself… it’s not him he’s just along for this crazy nagging ride.. if i really didn’t love him i would have left him years ago.. I know myself well enough to know I leave if i don’t want to be somewhere. I blamed him for my staying even!! When the truth is if I wanted to leave I would have left. I must not want to leave and he must not want to leave or he’d have left to i think. So I guess what i have really learned is the problem is not what he does/ doesn’t do. The problem is how I perceive it. I can’t change him, and why would i want to really.. because if he was exactly what i wanted or expected then i would be the one who needed to change… because then all i could see was what I am / am not doing… so if i skip that part… if i turn this around and realize it’s really me who making me so stressed then in the end perhaps I can finally accept him for the loving, handsome man he truly is.

  20. I googled I hate my husband and this site came up.
    I hate him and I am trapped in this god forsaken marriage because of my illnesses. He controls the money and even made me give up my retirement money.
    I have no way of supporting myself because of inability to work and am not on disability because illnesses are chronic disorders and not considered disabilities.
    Anyway, I want and need to escape this miserable life with this man but don’t want to walk out with nothing but my illness and fears while he gets to walk away with everything.
    Only married 5 years and thats nothing in NY.
    I need resources, I need hope.

  21. My husband is a good person except for the fact that he has cheated. Since I decided to stay, we both have made an agreement to work together to be happier and commuicate more. What hurts me the most is that when we go out I see him look at other women, he is very attractive and women seem to flirt with him all the time – even if I am right there next to him! What hurts me is that it seems that he cant help himself loving the attention and staring back. I have told him about this and he says its not true but I see it, if I take this thought away – I am happy but I am faced with reality when we go out. I cant help but be very hurt. How can I work thru this – just take away the thought and live this way, feeling disrespected?

  22. I had college,worked Psych Unit for a while.
    Interesting approach to “unhappy or disappointing” Obsessive Thinking Patterns of happiness. GREAT CAUSE AND EFFECT APPROACH !
    Attitude is everything I found out too!
    Even in my NEW marriage that has changed. Funny too, I used this Cause-Effect in my view of my position in my marriage. A little problemsolving at a different perspective with seeing the “control-options I have” in my own marriage and now I am happier that I too changed the way I view my disappointments and goals to this marriage of mine! Thanks for the insightful online articles and keep up “The “Good”->Work ” Hats Off to you->ByronKatie..Great Reinforcement for me…….Thanks, KDV

  23. Glad I found this blog.

    Yes, I too hate my husband. There are so many reasons. When we dated we were in love, until… until I got pregnant with our first child. He told me then that he didn’t wnat me to have his kids becasue I as not goo denough.He told me he came form a family of doctor’s and lawyers and I was just an LPN. Anyway–his family wasn’t having it. They made him marry me after getting pregnant withthe second child.

    Fifteen years, 3 children and a degree in nursing and 2 homes later he’s still not satisfied. No mattr what I do or say he only complains. The only time he sincerely seems to care or love me was when I lost 80 pounds. He was so scared that I would leave him that whe I did not go to work he would take my car keys and block the driveway so that i could not go out.

    Now that I’ve gained the weight backhe’s back to telling me about how I embarass him. Ordering me around. My kids don’t respect me because they’ve seen him treatment tlike crap all their lives. I can’t leave because I have no where to go. He offered once to leave becasue he knows I can’t pay the mortagae on my own and he said he would not pay child support-he’d rather work off the books. I hate how whe his family and friends come over he makes believe that we’re so in love and everything is great. I play along to. When they’re gone we argue and I am so unhappy.

    Get this. Through it all he wants sex all the time. The only tie I’m free is when I’m on my period. He rapes me every night when I’m not on my period. We fight and he just rapes me. When I’m asleep I wake up with him all over me.
    I hate it.

    How did I deserve such a misreable life. He’s refusing to divorce.

  24. dear kt

    i love the work, thank you for bringing more clarity to my world – and helping me to work through many of the underpinning ‘stories’ and poetics that i have been endeavoring to unravel for a long time (for me, the tragic beauty of some of my own stories is the excuse to keep thoughts that no longer serve me).

    one of my stories is about unrequited love – which is obviously not a tragedy and not a comedy – and although i’m getting that i can find proof of its lack of power over me, that i can turn it around (not loving me, thoughts not loving, am loved sometimes).. this is still troubling me…

    so my question is, now that i am sitting here with the idea that all i can do or need to do is love me and love others – does this mean i can never hope for love from another? yes i don’t need ‘his’ love but darn it would be wonderful to experience a mutual flow and exchange!

    is this something that will happen as i allow life to flow?

    sometimes i am confused (!!) about love and feel as though getting clear about who’s business my love is/his love is means that i cannot expect love from him, which in turn leads me to the thoughts about being unloveable (which are not true, but is the beginning of another round of the same questions, and more thinking thinking thinking – exhausting and intense!) and i feel manipulative, as though just loving him will eventually having the effect of him loving me in return, which is what i still hope for, even when i know i won’t perish without it.

    what am i missing?

    in love

  25. Yes i did it i googled i hate my husband. Iwas quite shocked to see how many people hate there husbands. My husband is so selfish we only do what he wants when he wants.He’s verbally abusive to me in front of the kids all the time.He never wants to do anything as a family all he ever wants to do is hang out with his friends and play video games and get drunk,Ican’t stand him but i can’t seem to leave him either. He always picks a fight with me on the weekeends so he can party with his friends and i just dont know what to do. Itry real hard to make it work but he knows im not going anywhere so he says ill treat you as bad as i want cause you wont ever leave. then come Sunday when it’s time to get back to reality he is so sorry and he’ll never do it again, yeah right untill the next weekend. He wants to be married during the week and single on the weekends.Any advice on how to save my marriage and myself?

  26. I Hate my husband too. I made the mistake of getting back together in the middle of the divorce because he wanted me said he missed me , I completed him and lots of other lie. I agreed to get together as long as he agreed to a therapist for counceling, actively start and hire people to fix our home’s roof and two doors. All As what he has done is spent money on Wheels, Wheels for himself, Buy our daughter a Brand New Car- He has gone thru over 125,000 of my inheritance from my Grandpatents from 22 Years ago. I have not one thin ime. I had him arrested because he hit me and pushed me to the ground. I am a christian
    and beleive that you should forgive but he keeps taking advantage of me and then throwing it in my face…. Some Christian YOu are….. His father is a mean old vengful man. and he is becomming justlike him. Think the world owes him something and just plane nasty to the people around him. Then appears like a Proper angel around others it is an apsolute LIE, I don’t really want to kill him Iwould rather kill myseft to get
    away from hime because I made the stupid mistake of taking him back and my therapist thinks I have lost all my leverage within the marrage. It Just stinks. I hate living like this It is not
    living but mearly existing. I prayed to God to please help me love this man but it just doesnt happen

  27. I Hate my husband! LIke many of the women on this blog, I found this website through a google search. I just got off of the phone with my husband who is currently in NYC on vacation/business. I feel like I hate him because he makes me hate myself. I hate the person that I am becoming being with him. I used to be a very independent person, self-sufficient. But he never liked any of my friends because he was scared I would go out with them and cheat on him. He was very jealous and insecure. At first I was like “get over it” but eventually I started following his wishes and now I barely have any friends. I am in a loft all on my own in LA with no one. Just these walls and a glass of wine. He is in NYC with his mother sipping on wine and going to elite Ivy league parties on sky-scraper rooftops till 4 in the morning while I go to work everyday, work my 9-9 get a few hours of sleep and then do it all again. We got married about 5 months ago and I had to go right back to work while he went off on vacation with his family. I haven’t had a vacation in over a year and i feel like I am going to loose my damn mind. I feel like i am taking out my frustration on him, but I feel like he doesn’t understand how hard I work and the dicipline that I have. I know that he works hard, but right now he isn’t bringing in any money because he has a new business. I just feel that I am under tremendous pressure because i am the only one with a secure job and I feel like he should be working as hard, if not harder than I do. I understand that his mother is visiting from another country and he wants to show her a good time, but now is not the time! We haven’t even gone on our honeymoon for crying out loud, so why is he at the vinyard and at fancy hotels in NYC when his poor wife sitting in an office builing all day!!!! I just want us to be balanced. I can not be happy for him if I am not happy for myself. I want to scream!!!! I have no real friends out here, I have a high stress job–oh, and did I mention that we haven’t had sex in over six months!! Six months and we’ve only been married for 5!!!! So that means we didn’t even have sex on our wedding night!!!! My husband claims that he has a lot of anxiety when we have sex because he says I never cum. Well, motherfucker, that’s because you ain’t doing it right!!!! If you knew what you were doing, then maybe I could possibly cum when having sex with you!!!!! I knew he has some right to have anxiety because in the past I have told him that I thought I was a lesbian, but he needs to get over that! I married him, and if he wants to keep me around then he better start learning how to satisfy me sexually. I don’t even know if that’s possible anymore because its gotten to the point where I don’t really have much respect for him anymore so I don’t even want him touching me sexually. I don’t get turned on and he’s very amature. I need someone who can really put it on me and pleasure me in very erotic ways. He is very plain and ordinary and not at all someone who can keep me satisfied for the rest of my life. I feel like I am convinced that this isn’t going to work, so therefore, how can it work. Perhaps it’s me. Afterall, everyone loves him. People love me too, but I think deep down he is a really nice guy, whereas I can be mean and selfish at times. Yes, he did cheat on me twice and I also cheated on him twice, but his times we understandable. Mine, were somewhat understandable to. But lately the feelings that I have been having to cheat on him are really bad. I think I would fuck anyone who I was physically attracted to and not think twice about. The thing is, if you met me on the street, you would never know I was harboring those thoughts. I look like I’m so happy in love. If people only knew. I just wish that I were happier. I feel that to be happy, I ultimately need to be on my own. I need to leave him and be on my own. Some people are not meant to be in relationships and I am one of those people. I used to be very promiscious and I changed once I was in the relationship with him. But deep down I always knew that this bad girl would rise back to the surface and our perfect relationship would come crumbling. Recently I find myself chipping away at the surface. I no longer want him to see me as this good girl. I want to be liberated to be whoever the fuck I want to be. I don’t wan’t to be perfect all the time. I want to hook up with guys and maybe some girls and quit my job and loose 20 lbs and be beautiful and confident. I want to be a free spirit! I want to not care about who likes me and who doesn’t like. I want to just do me. I want friends who can accept me and all of me. All of my life, I’ve always felt like I’ve killed parts of myself for certain people just so that they would like me. I put on airs of pefection and have decieved many people this way. I can not put this on with my husband. I can, but then our relationship will be extremelely unhealthy cause I would cheat on him and lie to him and we would drift apart. The sad part is, that no matter how much I hate my husband, I still get so angry to see him with anyone else. If it bothers me so much to see him with someone then how can I hate him??? Could it but that I’m only angry because i feel like I am loosing my control over him???? Or maybe I really do love him, but interpret it as hate, because the two are so closely connected.. What do you think?

  28. I am having serious problems with my husband too. I do not love him anymore at all. He is turning mean and is weird. My kids are suffering from him. He is wanting to force his religion on all of us and uses it as a crutch to stay away from us. I wish we could just stay married (for the sake of the kids) and never talk to each other again. Wish I had nver met him.

  29. I used to hate my husband. Man, my life was painful then. I found many, many justifications in my mind that I was a victim, and he was the bully. I just knew that there was a great guy out there that would treat me like the princess I am. Slowly, I begin to change my mind, by reading spiritual literature. I also got a job so I would make my own money and not feel trapped. Then, I found Byron Katie’s books, and my forgiveness and appreciation of my husband accelerated. Then, I got BT’s tapes, and started listening to them and doing the work on my thoughts on a regular basis. Soon I found that people at work who I previously thought were competitive with me or “out to get me”, were very nice people, seek me out for advice, and are now my friends. I have new, and wonderful insights every day and keep uncovering areas of me to work on. Like today- I experienced what I would have previously interpretted as an attack on my competence at work by a coworker, and found myself laughing with him, and saying-“yeah, you are right!” and only later realized that the old me would have taken the comment as an insult! Man have I changed! I could go on and on about great new insights and I still have a lot of areas of thought to uncover- but I look forward to it, and the me today is way happier than the me as recent as yesterday.

  30. I hate my husband too. Two days ago he hit me in my face and pulled my out of the car, he was shouting in my face in front of my two years daughter. My daughter start crying when she saw her father pulling me from the car to the ground, I felt down and he start dragging me to the house and my daughter saw the hall thing!!! He doesn’t care he always treat me bad I really hate him and I hate living with him. I’m young and I think that I deserve some one better than him, some one who respects me and my daughter. He is so dam lazy, he doesn’t help me in any thing I have to do every thing my self. We both work, he gets back to home at 3:30 pm while I get back at 7:00 pm we both go to work at 7:00 am. He throws every thing on me; I have to do every thing when I get back from work while he is setting watching the TV and saying that he is tired from work!! What about me?? Maybe I’m made out of stone I don’t feel tired I can do every thing my self including taking care of my baby!!! He also doesn’t spend a penny on me or my daughter and always get mad when I want to by a thing for my self from my own money!!! He wants to control my money too!! I hate him badly but I love my daughter. My daughter says “ Dady hits Mumy, right Mumy?”.

  31. I know for sure I hate my husband. I’ve been with him for 24 years. Funny how after all these years I’ve grown to hate him. I do love him as a person cause I’ve known him forever.. but I do not like him.. I feel hatred for him. Wish him dead quite often. We just were married a little over 8 years ago but have been together for 24 years. He is troubled – 6 months after we married he came down with an Anger, rage, depression disorder… It happened from time to time through out our realtionship.. the dr.’s say that him smoking pot was self-medicating him.. I always hated that he smoked that crap.. but. apparently that was what was keeping him from becoming the monster that he eventually became after quitting the “weed”. Now he is on medicine for his problems. Too bad he had to scream and yell at me 24/7 for about 4 years before he got on the right meds. I think that’s part of why I hate him now. who can be mentally abused for that long without snapping. He has always been lazy.. He does Nothing. He does work but that is it. I am responsible for everything else. I work full time, I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, lawn care, car care, everything.. I always wondered how he felt Pride as a man. when he does nothing to help me “as” a man. Who would let their wives do everything.. while they just sat and watched them struggle.. ie: rip out carpets, etc. hardwork.

    I understand the women that say they hate the way he breaths.. funny.

    It’s so sad.. I am a great girl.. I give 150% and get nothing in return. I can’t wait for my second husband. LOL I will choose better the second time around. This decision to choose the first husband was made when I was young……. stupid young girl………..

    There is no help for me.. no family.. soo I’ll stick it out.. hopefully he’ll be gone before me.. and I always pay his life insurance first before anything else.

    What a life.

    Thanks.

  32. I am so glad to have found this site. I knew I wasn’t the only person in this situation but didn’t think I’d ever find people that would talk about it.

    I totally hate my husband. I blame myself for making such a poor choice in marrying him. He was so nice in the beginning. I have never had problems getting along with anyone. I used to be really outgoing but after years of verbal & emotional abuse I am the total opposite. I hate the person I am with him.

    My husband is such a fool with money; we never have enough though he makes good money. He is also an alcoholic and extremely verbally abusive. Did I mention that he must have a learning disability because he makes the same stupid decisions over and over and no matter what happens he is always right? He barely provides shelter for me and his 3 children and by that I mean it’s always some crappy house or apartment that sucks by my and most people’s standards. Then he bitches about paying basic needs like rent, electricity, gas and phone bills. Though he complains about taking care of his responsibilities he also feels he should get some type of trophy for doing it. Damn! Maybe I’m crazy but should you to get an award for doing shit you are supposed to do anyway!

    He has wasted so much money on dumb things that we have no savings; we don’t own a home and have only one car. When I worked I always got in trouble for purchasing “stupid things” like clothing for the children, plus we could never get ahead because he knew I got paid so he just blew his money drinking and God only know what else. So I’d have to pay the bills. I hate it because he has a big influence on our children and I don’t want them to turn out to be losers just like him.

    I never want to be friends with anyone because they always end up finding out about my situation. My husband leaves whenever he wants to and takes his car so I loose jobs and am always the one to have to explain to the landlords why the rent is going to be late. Neighbors wonder why our phone is not working for months on end. People always look at me like I’m the looser because they say, “Just leave him”. Great solution but having no family to help and no support at all I couldn’t just live out on the streets with my children. Since my husband knows I have no one to fall back on he just says “if you don’t like it you know where the door is.”

    Living in despair with out any hope of being happy ever again for so long has caused me to have to take antidepressants. I’m almost 40, have 4 children and am broke. I wish that I would have chosen better and at least would have a husband that was loving and supportive or just had never married at all.

    I am taking some online courses and hopefully when I finish I will be able to find a good job, save up and leave him. I feel like this is my last chance out.

  33. This is so real ! I can’t believe what I am reading ! My husband is so powerful it makes life very difficult for me. He is so powerful to the extent that he controls me so much! I can hardly breathe. I want to be with him though, as he has a very good mind. He is very sharp, but he can ‘wiggle’ out of everything. He is extremely clever, he is a lawyer, which makes it worse. You have to be so sharp, it can be dreadfully painfull at times. He has just brought 3 properties in Martinborough BUT he is doing them up with his SECRETARY so this is BAD ! We are going to councilling at the moment to try and strear him back to me. His Secretary is so so strong and so so nasty. She is a gold digger and wants every penny that belongs to him. She has got him to spend $10,000 on a new kitchen for them both to spend time in, in Martinborough, they have Abby Villa in Grey Street and the school house and another house in Broadway Street. She is buying up large for these houses. They are homestays and I am not allowed to go near them. She is in FULL control. She goes there with her huband and my husband every day and every week end.

    So this is not a nice situation. I am studying law at university as well.

    I would also like to read you views on this too please.

  34. I think most people on here are only reading the first paragraph and are missing the point of the session. Seems to me that katie is trying to help Mary, and the women here are just complaining that they relate to the first paragraph then asking the reader for help. My suggestion would be to read the whole thing. I’m interested in Katie’s book now that I’ve read this page.

    I’m successful at work, am pursuing an additional degree with a 4.0 GPA, and am attractive physically. But I came here because I googled “I hate my husband”. I can’t stand the way he always has an opposing opinion to no matter what I say. I can’t share my opinion ever or it starts a yelling match, with him saying “you’re allowed to voice your opinion then not allowing me to voice mine”. It’s not like I want him to be a wimp and not stand up for himself when someone’s attacking him, but he just feels the need to contantly nit-pick whatever I say until everything I’ve said is just worthless. His teeth are horrible jagged and crooked and brown, and he’s goofy looking and downright ugly. I met him six weeks after getting divorced from my first, and was so flattered by the attention I stupidly agreed to marry him. Now here I am with this dog-faced gross horrible person who I’m not friends with, and stuck because we bought a house and a car together, and we’ve been trying for a baby for over a year now. I want a baby and a house and a car more than I care who they’re with. I like those things but can’t stand sharing even the same floor with this guy. With my ex, I experienced male factor infertility. Now after a year of marriage come to find out that this new husband is also limited fertility. Not only that, but his idea of foreplay is laying on his back next to me pulling my head to where he wants it. Oblivious. Why did I pick the least virile and loser deer in the herd both times? There’s a reason I’m his first relationship EVER. Obviously this is my problem. Making myself look better by thinking the undesirable dork would rise to the occassion by gracing him with the honor of my presence.

    I read all about “you have to change yourself (or your way of thinking) in order to improve your relationship”. Well yeah, ok, but I can’t be a bitch if I’m alone. I will likely divorce him if the infertility lasts much longer. I find it a monumentous task to try to change my way of thinking about someone who is not worth the effort. He’s not my friend. I don’t like his viewpoints, his looks, his sexual techniques, his voice, his teeth, his sense of humor. I’m still in a dilemna even after reading this page. I like the idea of him but not him personally.

    1. Improving a relationship might mean…
      ending the relationship. ^_^
      Or taking a new perspective on our options…
      Or our part in the problem…
      _
      It’s all good.
      The work just gives us a clear view on taking our own responsibility.
      And making clear decisions for what we really want.

  35. I hate my husband. I disagree with the 4 question approached. There’s nothing wrong with me. He’s a friggin unbalanced, bipolar, sorry excuse for a man! Say what you want…But I am sick and tired of this patriarcial society B.S. where women have to shoulder the repsonsibility for their man’s shortcomings and failed marriages!How many men do you think give a rat’s behind enough to even google “I hate my wife”. I betcha it will get you a lot less google hits then the latter.

    I’m bitter, resentful and numb. I’ve only been married for about 14 months. I have divorce papers in hand. The only thing that I hate more is the fact that signing these papers are documented proof my my failure. I failed when I picked a man for a husband that was not not my ex (my husband was everything that my ex was not…now i realize there were redeeming qualities in my ex—-not that I’d ever want to be with him again….
    The best thing is I know what I don’t want. I am living a lie in my current situation and resent it more than I resent his “HAPPY JOE LUCKY” facade he shows the world. He’s a mess. It’s him NOT me, and screw anyone who allows some one who tries to manipulate people’s thinking to make them shoulder the responsibility for these horrible marriages.

    Men are jerks and selfish in general–Read a history book if you don’t believe me.
    We are not the problem, they are.

  36. Wow, amazing that people are using this page as a hate-fest. It just underscores how the mind will do whatever it takes in order to be and remain right! So, ladies, what do you get when you hold the belief, “I hate my husband.” You get to be right. And you don’t get to be free. You don’t get to be free of victimhood, and you certainly don’t get to be free of your husband, because even if you divorce, you go to your grave hating him, hating men, living your life in fear and resentment. Is that what you want?

    It’s no mistake that you have come upon Byron Katie’s blog. If you want peace and freedom, this simple and radically effective process of inquiry is key, and you can do it yourself. If you can’t yet do it yourself, call a facilitator on the Hotline on this website: http://www.instituteforthework.com. It’s free. Read Katie’s books, especially Loving What Is, which is the sourcebook for The Work, and I Need Your Love-Is That True? about relationships. You will not escape victimhood and suffering by remaining in your stressful thoughts; here is an alternative that is so ridiculously simple, I nearly rejected it out of hand myself. Look at the few postings here from people who have experienced the power of answering these questions with honesty and willingness. Leave your husband or stay, but do it out of clarity.

    Godspeed, and feel free to contact me off-list if I can be of service to you.

  37. I am glad I found this blog. I have been married for 7.5 years and have been miserable for atleast half of them. My husband has a terrible anger problem. He is great about not showing this anger to anyone but me. He has never physically hurt my, however he can be extremely emotionally abusive. I am a nurse and about to graduate with my masters in nursing. He still expects me to do all the house work, cooking shopping, car maintenance and bill paying becuase I have an “easy job” and am in “easy school.” Afterall he is a lawyer and works hard for his money and deserves to relax!!! This is so maddening to me. I put the asshole through lawschool! Anyway, It is nice to see I am not the only one in this situation.
    Nothing I have ever done has been good enough. i can always do better, act better, look better etc… He rarely gives me a compliment or tells me I have done something right. Lately he has been staying out all night with his friends. when I ask him if he is staying out or if I should lock up, he says I am smothering him. Just one day, I would love to treat him like shit in return. But then he would and has said, he is stuck in an abusive relationtship and can’t keep on going unless I treat him with the respect he deserves.

    I love him dearly, but honestly don’t see myself going on as his maidservant much longer.

    Not sure what I can do~

  38. I really need someone to talk to.. I really don’t know what to do anymore. i got marrried when i was 20 an had a child with this man that i dont even love any more.. all he does is cheat on me, say very mean things to me, beats on me, he is even in jail right now for beating me but now he is calling saying that he is going to change his self but i really just dont know how.. i really need to talk to someone.. i have a two months old son with this man so please give me answers ms_pine_bluff_ark@yahoo.com

  39. I have been married for 2 1/2 years and have been with my husband for a total of 5 years. We went to marital counseling before we got married to make sure we had thought about and discussed all the most important aspects to a marriage. One of those topics was having children. We both agreed that we wanted to have children, but not right away. Since then, my husband has changed his mind and says that he doesn’t want kids, doesn’t like them and will never change his mind. I, on the other hand, love kids and want to have one more than anything. We have gone back to counseling and it doesn’t seem to be helping. The fact that he dislikes children so much bothers me because I don’t understand how someone can look at a precious little baby and not fall totally in love. This is one subject that I will not change my mind about. I know that if I gave up the chance at having a child of my own I would regret it and resent him for making me give that up. What do ya reccommend doing in a situation like this?

  40. Hi Crystal,

    Like everyone else that has posted here, I’d recommend picking up a copy of Katie’s book “Loving What Is” or going to the website http://www.work.com and fill out a Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet on your husband, then inquire using the 4 questions and turnaround of The Work.

    And then see what happens 🙂

    With love,

    Jon x

  41. i dont beleive its about hating someone else ,its about hating one’s self,blame him ,blame her,if your wrong your wrong,if you made a mistake,you’ve made it.if they made a mistake you dont have to live with it,you may be better friends than lovers,(exept that)_,love it,embrace that, who else knows you better.its all easly twisted as we try to justify our own choices,keep it simple stupid,woops,A guy once said to me the best thing his wife did,was to leave him,they became freinds ,they became better parents,Why,,,because it was just the right thing to do for them,they kept it simple ,they kept it honest,lets just be freinds and see how it goes,sooner rather than later be honest with each other,and yourself.yes your bum does look big in that,no i dont like your new boss,,a freind is some one who tells it like it is,and thats cool thats why we fall in love ,its Honest.its a freind wholl be honest forever,,thats what i think,,good luck in love,,,Wayne

  42. yes I BEEN WITH THIS MAN NOW FOR TWO YEARS HE WOULD GET UP AND DO THINGS FOR ME .WE GOT MARRIED THIS PAST JUNE NOW HE DOES NOTHING AROUND THE HOUSE .I TOLD HE HE WAS TO LAZY GET OUT OF BED AND DO SOMETHING YOU LAZY THING.GET UP AND START DOING SOMETHING ARE YOU CAN GET OUT OF MY HOUSE I PAYED FOR FOR I MARRIED HIM.

  43. I am so confused. I dont know what to do. I got married when I was 18, trying to be grown and on my own. My husband is in the military and is deployed every other year. He just got back in November, and I just feel like Im dying a slow death. I love him for loving me, but Im not in love with him and havent been for years. I feel so fake. I dont enjoy sex with him at all, usually when its over I feel disgusted and used. He is not my type. Now at 25 he is just not the type of man that I could spend my life with. We dont get along. We dont talk about anything of any importance. We dont agree about hardly anything under the sun. If we do have a conversation, it ends up being a argument. I just try to ignore him and pretend he doesnt exist. If I wake up happy, within a few hours of being around him I feel sad and depressed. I just feel so trapped and and depressed, because I want my “KING” and he is non existent. He does not fit in with my family, he barely even speaks to them, and up until recently his family despised me. I am not attracted to him or his body and to me he looks like a short teenage mutant ninja turtle naked. I am not the most beautiful woman alive, but I am very beautiful an he is like the opposite of attractiveness to me. Everything I want in a man, he is the opposite. Theres really nothing I like about him. Hes boring and likes to sit in the house all the time and it drves me crazy. Im young and full of energy and I hate feeling like im wasting away. The only good thing is that I know he loves me and wants to be married, but I dont know how long I will be able to keep up this sick game of charades. HELP!!!!!!

  44. I hate my boyfriend. We have been together 6 years and have a daughter 10 motnh old. I hate him ever so much!! I hate him ever so much it makes me cry. I cannot go away as I do not have so much money to buy a flat and support me and our daughter. But I am saving money so I still hope.

    I hate he is terribly over weight, he promised to lose weigth but he does 3-4 kilos and then he get another 5kilos back. He is 128kilos. He smells – when he gets back from work – he works manually – he doesnt shower himself very often, sometimes once in two day and the old sweat smells very much. He is lazy to wash himself. he is too smart, not really clever. When he talks, he is ironic and put my ego down. He says as I would be stupid (I am a member of MENSA). I do not smell. I just cannot turn it around. I hate to have sex with him. He is not good at it either. I hoped it would change but it didnt. I argue with him very often as wants to kep his dominant role in our so called relationship. He needs to keep his ego high, so he cares only about himself. I am so sad. I will try to do the work, as this is the only chance how to survive mentally.

    I see him only 4 hours a day, and it is enough for us to argue. I dont feel sorry that I have met his because of our lovely daughter.

    This is my story among others, it is here like a wall of anger, hopes and wishes.

  45. I’m glad that I’m not in love any more. 15 years ago my first wife felt like these women and she broke my heart when she left. Now I’m married and it’s pretty good, but if she left my life’s not over. I love my job, I love my music, I love me.

    There are some very self-centered women crying for pity here. If they are that unhappy they should get some backbone and leave and stop making excuses for why they don’t.

    The Blue Prince Of Dallas

  46. Nitza:

    Humble thought to anyone who needs it. What works for me is when i notice that everytime i have a story about my boyfriend( no matter how bad it looks on the outside) i always always always when doing the work and turning the story around, it always turns out the story is ugly because its running nonstop in my mind. The unquestioned mind has the capacity to replicate the action thousands of times in the course of an hour and if its an ugly story we know where that can lead.

    I also notice that when someone does something to me i mean like screaming or leaving me or any unkind action it only happens a certain amout of times maybe once or twice or to mention a big number maybe 30 times even when i think it has happened thousands of times. Which is not bad considering the number of hours a day has and the number of days a year has.

    However this understanding comes from doing The Work is a noticing that gives us space to just observe whats really going on. In this very moment someone is yawning next to me at a rate of maybe one yawn every 30 seconds but my mind is crazy. Its bother with the yawning i mean it hates it. However is it true!? is it the yawning or my toughts about the yawning that bothers me …everytime i think it bothers me its my thoughts about it that bother me. When my mind notices what is the reall problem its just amussed with the yawn it can even enjoy it with no stress at all it even becomes something beautifull. Mind is not crazy is curious and likes to see things happening, mind loves to observe.
    and when mind is observing things begin to happen in slow motion..giving us time to really see..its not a crazy machine anymore..it stops to see because is not bother anymore..is not unhappy anymore the thoughts are gone and the only thing left is the happening, the reality woman watching someone yawn..no thougts about it just observing it..and that can be very beautiful, meditation,peace,inteligence.

    In my experience the only thing that can stop the crazines of the mind is to inquire and to turn it around…this will give you peace inside and outside.. PLEASE TRY IT….love Nitza

  47. Im sick of all you women complaining about your men you choose who you are with. When you find a nice guy you treat us like !@#$ anyway and choose the bad ones.
    Ive been married for 5 years. In 5 years my wife has never touched a car door handle, resturant door, or ever walked in last into the house. She comes home to the children fed, bathed, ready for bed, and the home work done. The house vacumed, dishes done, bathrooms clean, kids rooms clean, and dinner waiting for her to get home.

    I tell her every day that i adore her and she is my air. I take her lunch to work when she askes me to and even buy flowers for her for no reason. I am a full time police officer and work another job 30 hours a week as well. Everyday I get told how I do everything half assed, or im just making more work for her since i am not doing the house work her way.

    I get told that im to romatic in the bedroom and not enough like a man. I bought her shoes with my b-day money. did i mention the kids are not mine!! just the other day i got told she wanted a divorce and she hit me four times hard in the face. I had to file a ex-parte to get away. she also takes all of my money and i had to work the partime job just to buy things i wanted like clothes she has a new wardrobe every year mine is still 3 years old.

    If i tell her no to anything i get yelled at and things thrown at me. so when you find a nice guy try thinking about something other than “oh hes just a friend”. kiss my !$%.

    1. Sounds like she likes it rough.
      Some women (or a lot (50 shades of gray)) love to be “dominated”.
      Or at least a “manly” man.
      _
      I was just recently told by an ex who likes it rough…
      that a friend of hers even starts fights in the hope of getting smacked…
      _
      It’s also not my cup of tea.
      But it sounds like hers…
      Maybe it’s too embarricing for her to tell you.
      _
      You taking care of her (which i perceive as a strength)
      she might perceive as weakness…
      _
      It’s all good.
      We just are what we are
      until we realize and decide to change.
      or not….

  48. This is not true. It is like if I say that I don’t like my sweater, and you tell me that it is not my sweater that I need to change, but I need to change my taste. That is, I need to convince myself that I do like the particular sweater.

    1. No, it’s not.
      It’s like you saying
      “I don’t like my sweater, the sweater is driving me crazy!!!
      The sweater is making me unhappy. 🙁
      I want to kill my sweater, I want to kill myself.
      I hate the colors, the way it feels on my skin etc…
      I just hate everything about my sweater…”
      _
      The Work…
      Dude… It’s just a sweater…
      _
      YOU are the one who’s hating, who’s making yourself go crazy…
      The sweater is just being itself…
      _
      If you realize that you are getting upset over a sweater being a sweater…
      You might take another point of view in your relationship with your sweater.
      Maybe it’s not that bad as you keep telling yourself…
      Or you might decide to just buy another one.
      It’s nice to be true to yourself.
      It’s all good…

  49. hi, im married for 5 years but still dont have kids. i thought this relationship will last, me and my husband are both doing well in our foolishness. unfortunately in our seriouse times we cant get along well. we fight and i leave but then came back reconciled.Im so tired of this, though i love him but these days i felt so terrible and it made me dislike him the way he treating me as his wife. i think he got sweetwords loaded in him but he cant do it in action never always, he is a seasonal husband. he dont know how it affect me, my emotions, my feelings. Actualy its my birthday today but im unhappy not becuase i cant make a big party but because he never show me something special today and now got hours left to spend my day of birth, i knew he knows im mad now cos i left him in the shop and here i am writing this blog. i hope in such a time like this i can still return to his arms, i hope he can still see me crying and will reply him that its my fault and i will stay. I dont know how to react on this now, seems that im only waiting for this feeling to fade hope not my love for him.(i wanna cry)

  50. I H A T E M Y H U S B A N D! We have been married for four months (known each other as friends for eight years), and I am pregnant with a baby that we both planned for and want. I have a five-year-old boy from my first marriage as well.

    My husband is LAZY, watches TV every free minute he has. He wakes ME up every morning because he turns on the huge TV that he has put in our bedroom, and every night, after I read to and tuck in my son, I come into the bedroom and the damn TV is blaring and he’s just lying there. Oh yeah, THAT’s attractive. No room to talk, be intimate, whatever: That bedroom just screams to me “I don’t want to connect with you; I’d rather watch Ultimate Fighting.”

    We both work full-time, yet he does not one thing to clean the house, ever. I do all the dishes, I do the laundry, I put AWAY the laundry, he does NOTHING. Lazy ass! He doesn’t care whether or not the house is a dump, but I do. How was he ever attractive to me? I forget. He’s a pig.

    We have not combined out finances because he does not keep track of what he spends (checks, check card, etc.), and I am meticulous about being balanced financially. Therefore, I pay him “rent” on the house that he had before we married, I pay for school/daycare/clothes/food/everything for my son–he contributes nothing (fair?). BUT, whenever we go out to eat, or to entertainment such as the recent circus for my son, he does not offer to pay, does NOT pay, and does NOT say thank you for the gesture. He is like my dependent! It’s UGLY in a man to be a taker, never a giver, it makes me hate him so much!!

    He walks like an old man, groans whenever he moves or lifts something “heavy,” sighs hideously whenever I ask him to do something, holds his arms at his side all bunched up like an 80-year-old, shuffling along–he is like an old man, and he is only 40. That is such a turnoff.

    He is driving himself like a giant, old-man-looking wedge between me and my son, as he is jealous of any time we spend together and any affection we show each other. He whines and whines about how my son is “too attached” to me, “runs my life,” blah blah. Um, he’s never BEEN a parent, so he has no clue how the parent/child relationship is, or how a child is the center of one’s life and focus. MY HUSBAND DEMANDS to be the focus, though I feel that I should SHARE my focus, as I cannot push my son aside to stroke the ego of a grown man! Plus, how am I supposed to put my husband first when he just picks up and leaves for six hours a day on weekends to “do his own thing”? Then comes home AND PUTS THE TV ON? He still lives like a bachelor (which he was for a looooong time), with total freedom away from his family and home, yet when he gets home I am supposed to fawn all over him and make a giant deal and dump my son to give HIM all the attention? Maybe he should GIVE ME a REASON to give him more attention. Make ME a priority, instead of himself. Duh.

    How is he going to deal with the new baby?! Talk about “not being the focus” anymore. Get a taste of reality, bub–babies dominate. End of story, dumbass.

    Selfish. Lazy. Self-centered. Stubborn. Egotistical. Bullish. Groaning. Whining. Old-manish–he makes my skin crawl. What a dumb idea to have a baby together. Juuuust great. NOW what do I do? Have to stay. Can’t break up ANOTHER family (though husband’s cheating broke up my first marriage).

    I’m doomed.

  51. You know, I’m going to have to agree with cassandra. I am one of those wives who have seen the mirror image. Let me tell you, those tactics are really just temporary. It doesn’t work for long because when we have such strong feelings about someone we’ve married, what makes us the angriest is the simple fact that we made the most wrong decision for ourselves. Through no fault of our own, I might add, because people change as they get older and nobody knows the type of person we will be 10 years from now. Maybe Mary has come to know that her husband has changed into a person that she would have never even considdered marrying. Especially if she knew then, what she knows now. I know exactly how Mary feels. Hell, about the breathing thing, my husband snores when he’s wide awake. sometimes, I just want to get a magic eraser & erase his entire face. My husband is pudgy, lazy, non-hygenic, and expects to have sex with me whenever he feels aroused, which is all the damn time. Sometimes, I avoid him in fear that he will touch me in any way. Whenever he touches me, he is always giving sexual inuendos. He does this every two hours on the dot. If he doesn’t in actions, he has to say something sexual. he cant help it! It just makes me fight harder to not be close to him. then, if I don’t put out, he turnes into the biggest “you know what” on the planet! I’ve never met such a big fat baby! Then, he gets bored & looks for things to do that he knows gets on my dang nerves. All of these things drive me completely insane. but back on the subject at hand. sometimes mirrors work, but sometimes the mirror is shattered by him using the damn bat! Maybe he really had done something or a whole lot of somethings to make her feel this way.

    1. You hate your husband or yourself?
      “what makes us the angriest is the simple fact that we made the most wrong decision for ourselves.”
      Or angry for staying, or for accepting the current situation?
      _
      Laugh your way to a better marriage…
      This is an HiLaRious seminar about the general differences between men and women…
      https://youtu.be/iz9Sr2qem0A

  52. So, I work night shift and my husband works days, Its 3am and I went on line to search a romantic weekend idea or something I could do for my husband, Why??? Because he is my husband,Simple as that!! I some how stumbled upon this webpage and spent the last 45 min. reading all these life sucking articles that others have written, some men even wrote defending themselves thumbs up to you men! No doubt there will be things that upset you about your spouse, No one ever said that marriage was easy, most people say marriage takes a lot of work, so why then when we get married do we expect flowers, roses pedals, candles, the whole nine yards. Just to defend the opposite sex for a min. im sure us women don’t act the way we did when we first got married either, Come on Ladys admit it (remember pretending to love watching the football games, baking him sweet treats, thinking it was cute when he was all macho) Remember when you put your makeup on every time you seen him and dressed up, put on perfume, I bet we dont all do that every day anymore either so why would you expect that he would??? Dating is pretty much the game, we all want to “settle down” have someone we can “be ourselves around” Right? Well, thats what we all got. Im not saying that he shouldn’t share chores around the house but hey remember this, when your car breaks down or your in the ditch, who helps you out. Men take care of all the things women dont want to do or cant do, so why do we expect them to do the “manly jobs” go to work 40 hours a week and then come home and kiss our @**? If he is that big of a bum and usless chances are you knew this before and just chose to ignore it, trying to live a fairy tail that you knew didnt end in happily ever after. So, my friend and I both married were talking about relationships and what not one night and decided we would start a movement to be the best wives possible..and if your wondering no im not rich and yes I work a 40 hour week as a nurse in a hospital so im not a rich housewife with all the time and money to spare. Seriously, we all just need to get a long and stop worrying about what hes doing to make you mad, if you dont want to do all the work dont, go out with your friends, just stop being so bitter.
    The End- Here is to LOVING YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  53. If you really want to know the truth, here is a simple way to explore your feelings of hatred towards your husband.

    Make a list of the things you find hateful about your husband (examples: he is too demanding; he’s not ambitious; he doesn’t spend enough time with me; he;’s abusive; he smells; etc.)

    Pick the one the makes you the angriest or that hurts you the most.

    Hold that thought against the four questions of The Work of Byron Katie (if you aren’t sure what I’m talking about, visit TheWork.com – this is Byron Katie’s blog).

    Example: My husband is too demanding.

    1. Is it true?
    Answer a simple “yes” or “no.” If “No,” skip to question 3.

    2. Can you absolution know that it’s true?
    Again, answer a simple “yes” or “no.” No justification.

    3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe this thought?
    Review your life as you hold this belief. How do you treat your husband? How do you live your live? How do you treat yourself? When you hold this belief, where do you feel it in your body? When did the belief first occur to you that he, or that someone, was too demanding? Does this thought bring you peace or stress?
    The purpose of this question is to notice how you live life out of belief; it is not meant to make you wrong.

    4. Who would you be without this thought? Imagine yourself in your marriage without the belief he is too demanding. Close your eyes, get an image of your husband making demands, and drop your story for a moment: look into his eyes, look at his face. What do you see? How would you treat him differently without this thought? How would you treat yourself differently?

    Now, turn the thought around:
    My husband is not too demanding. Could that be as true or truer? Give three genuine examples of how this turnaround could be equally true. Again, we’re not making you wrong; this provides perspective and expanded awareness of what else is going on.
    I am too demanding (especially of my husband). Can you find where this is true?
    I am too demanding of myself. Where do you run roughshod over yourself in your life?

  54. I hate my husband! Because hes to over controling, and I think when he talks to other girls at the small town grocery store hes making sexual pass at them. And talks to one of them about are daily life together. Am i reading into nothing I wonder? But he calls me names, tells me sometimes im worthless. I wish I really knew what to do. If Im not what hes wanted then why is he with me?

  55. I don’t hate my husband. I’m just burnt out. No more. Verbal put downs. Controlling manipulating jealous rude to my friends pretends he is making jokes but is really putting me down. I have no reason to want to stay with him. He is a diabetic, not following the right diet. Expecting me to bail him out of any problems to wait on him do do all the work to clean up after him to take care of all the finances. He says I wouldn’t be able to survive financially without him. I don’t think so! If I have to live in a one room house I can do it. If I have to get a job (I’m 67) to supplement my income I will. Who needs the abuse. We are separating but he sure is taking his sweet time. I have packed all his little knick knacks and some of his summer clothes. He has done nothing. He says he is but he really is dragging his feet. Why should he leave such a wonderful set-up for him. A live in slave he can abuse verbally and pretend he was only joking. Tell me what kind of mind game is this? I know when it’s time to honor my gut and end the whole mess.

  56. My husband is dead. I hate him too!! He was not there for me in my hour of need. I took care of him through Cancer and ALS Lou Gherigs disease, which of course he died from. I am glad he is gone. He was never really there for me and never helped me. He was not my friend…..

  57. I was married for 8years with out any child,because of this my husband start acting very strange at home,coming home late and not spending time with me any more.So i became very sad and lost in life because my doctor told me there is no way for me to get pregnant this really make life so hard for me and my family.my sister in law told me about Dr. isaac from the Internet,how he has helped people with this similar problem that i am going through so i contacted him and explain to him.he cast a spell and it was a miracle three days later my husband can back to apologize for all he has done and told me he is fully ready to support me in any thing i want,few month later i got pregnant and gave birth to twins (girls) we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr. isaac for saving my relationship and for also saving others too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address:drisaachelpcenter@gmail. com

  58. I am a testament to the effectiveness of inquiry…there once was a time where reading all of these posts would have upset, offended, and frightened me. My heart would have raced, my cheeks would have been hot and my mind would have been swirling in fear and judgment.

    And today?

    I giggled the whole way through with loving respect for each one of these posts.

    I know how easy it is to believe thoughts and suffer because of it.

    Until you really do the work, it does appear that someone else is the cause of your problems.

    much Love to you all!

    and p.s. I have heard from some people that they hear that taking personal responsibility and loving what is excuses abuse and/or means they have to stay in the relationship…

    In my experience, this is not the case

    100% personal responsibility means 100% personal empowerment! and to me, this is the most exciting

    And It turns out what I actually hated was myself when I was experiencing myself as trapped in the role of a victim

    It’s pure comedy, from a different perspective to notice how I’d bitch and complain, criticize and attack this man with judgments about his sex, prowess, integrity, strength, financial skills, relationship skills, communication skills, immaturity, laziness….and then believe that I am trapped by him! hahahahahahaha I love it. How could I be trapped by what I Just declared as weak and powerless?

    Free to Be Loving what is….Me.

    Peace and Blessings!

  59. There are also people who still hate their husband after they divorce or die or move away…For those of us who are confused about the work and how self-inquiry can lead to our own answers, to the truth, this kind of situation gives obvious evidence that it’s not the other person…

    He’s dead but I still feel stress when I think of him
    We’re no longer living together, but I still talk about him and get angry and resentful
    We’re divorced but I still criticize and attack him and feel wounded permanently by him

    He’s no longer here and yet I suffer
    I’m sitting quietly, sipping coffee and burning in resentment….is that my husbands fault?

    Where is he? WHo is in the room? Who is believing these thoughts?

  60. I remember lying in my room when I was in high school and writing in a journal to my future husband. I’d write all sorts of notes and questions and things I’d wonder or ask this man when I eventually met him. I would wonder where he was and what he was doing and if he was thinking about me too. It has always been such a strong desire in my heart to find a wonderful man to marry, someone who would love me and cherish me and appreciate me for the person I am. I always thought I would get married right out of college, just like my parents, so when that plan didn’t work out, I started to get discouraged. A school mate snatched my future husband away from my arms just because she had spiritual powers, all hope was lost to me before i came across the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@gmail.com
    ) who i confided in, i told him my long story and he helped me regain back my lover with his prayers which is now my husband today. if you have any problem email the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@gmail.com
    ).

  61. I find it difficult to get any space in my relationship.
    it would be impossible for me to read a book it is sometimes difficult to have a telephone conversation, even writing an email can be difficult without my husband calling me or talking to me. The conversation is usually nonsense but I try to give him some attention but it gets overbearing.

  62. this is so very ridiculous. someone comes to you for help and with words that totally reverse the situation, you make the wife feel bad. like she should be upset with herself. so you tell her in not so many words to psyche herself up, to trick her mind into not hating her lazy husband. shouldn’t you be giving her words to tell her husband how she feels so HE can make the changes needed?

  63. Wow……i too typed in i hate my husband and got this blog thread thing. I have been going to anger management classes for over a month and I find that I am more angry or that my anger has a focus. The courts and laws for divorce in Utah and Colorado are structured in a way that the judge decides who gets what and since most divorce judges are men they leave the woman without anything they helped to work for. Maybe all angry women would change if women were not still treated like second or 10th class citizens. …..

  64. How do you know when divorce is the right option for you? I see the benefit in questioning your thoughts and turning your thoughts around but does it mean you can love and be married to anyone?

  65. Hi,

    I love this post, thank you so much for your work!

    Hearing Mary’s and Katie’s story I’m reminded of my wife.

    My question is how did your husbands put up with the abuse? How did they tolerate the criticism and blame and shame for so many years? And most importantly what did they do to support their wife’s transformation/awakening?

    Or said another way, any tips for how I can help my wife awaken and stop her abusive behavior?

    If I was single and childless leaving would sound appealing, now my main concern is how to be a good father and husband?

  66. I am the husband speaking…where to start…I lov Christy without a doubt…I would stand by her name take a bullet at any time for her…to be honest though…she made it real hard for me…I looked at her lime no other n tried my hardest to be what she expected…every time I got a lil comfortable she would kick me to the streets..I would I dontgear know how a woman for one day to the next can just turn her head n act like nothing…I feel u can lay there say u love that person hug him n have sex every night sometimes 2 or 3 times n say u didn5 like it…I’d call it bullshit..I ain’t no don’t Juan but I can greatly assure u that every girl Ivery been with will tell u that they wanted more…alother of them owe me nuts..she sit there n say whatever but the truth is that I made it all bout her…that’s where I went wrong…more than enough I wouldn’t get mine..as long as she got hers….that was good enough for me…I cooked I cleaned n worked n still made sure she got one nut a day…theresorry a Lotta wives that wish the had it 3 times a week….she get mad n I felt she was doing it on purpose…she lied out losing our baby…she kept me in the dark bout everything n the worse thing bout it…I just found out she faked our relationship ..so she was steering it anyway she wanted…maybe she started to care n arose all that anger cuz I was faithful..everything I did was for her choice in life ..to play with someone for 3 n half years…is cruel n unusual punishment..life is not a game ..that air that I’m breathing is something we need n something pure…I lov her with all my heart I’m sorry I believe that u don’t give up n u protect the ones u love not shit on them everyday because u know he loves u…if I wasn’t ureally man how could u do that to me..as a friend n my babies stem mom..I’ll always be there..it’s nobody fault but urs…sorry

  67. Heads up! This article is somehow hacked and full of hyperlinks to some t-shirt company and other such ‘not-the-work’ things. I had the thought: ” those shouldn’t be there” but i can’t say that that thought is true. That’s your business. And I felt to write this in hopes of pointing it out to whomever monitors this. 🙂

    Thank you so much.

    Long before I encountered the Work, I asked my kung-fu teacher some rambling question regarding what she believed about Qi/Chi and its cultivation and my experience during some of our exercises. She stopped typing, looked me straight in my eyes with her piercing blue ones and said, ” I don’t believe much.”

    It struck so swift and so deep. I returned to that for many years. What did she mean? What am I believing? Should I not be a ‘believer’?

    Years later i was introduced to the Work by Steven S. After an introductory day, Steven asked if there was anything interesting that we were noticing.

    My hand shot up.
    “I am not sure I can know if ANYTHING is true!” I exclaimed.
    ~ l o l !

    Now I wonder, “Who am I that I am the knower or not-knower of what is?”

    And what comes….
    I am the Observer of that.

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