Inquiry—”I’m NOT Succeeding on My Own”

Participant: I’m mad at me because these days I don’t succeed in earning my living on my own.

Katie: Is that true? “You don’t earn a living on your own”—is that true?

Participant: I’m supported by my husband, and there’s scarcely anyone in my practice these days.

Katie: So sweetheart, do you make your husband support you?

Participant: Yes.

Katie: So he does not have a choice?

Participant: Yes, he has a choice.

Katie: Yes. He doesn’t have to support you. So “You are not making a living on your own”—is that true? Few people come to your practice, your husband never has to support you, and you’re supported—on your own!

Participant: Right now, I’m so much in my mind.

Katie: And are you supported?

Participant: I am supported, yes.

Katie: So “You’re not supported on your own”—is that true?

Participant: I can’t understand right now.

Katie: Okay . . . so, thank you. Who would like to do The Work? And I hope everyone in this audience just did “I am not supported on my own.” Is there anyone in this room that has never been supported? Including you, sweetheart? I invite everyone in this room to find one time when you were not supported. It’s not possible. There’s no time in your life when you have not been supported. I’ve never met any human being that can find one moment that they were not supported. On your own! With or without a job. Can anyone find one moment when they were not supported? [Pause] I can’t either. So sweetheart, sit with it for a little while and we can come back to you. Because I hear from you that you’re having trouble putting it together.

Participant: I’m afraid of not being able to financially keep up my existence. I’m mad at me because I don’t succeed at standing on my own feet financially. I reproach myself for not having sought a job during the year of separation that would provide a living for me. And I don’t forgive myself for having spent the money I got from my husband—the biggest part of it.

Katie: So sweetheart, “You need more money”—is that true?

Participant: No, it’s not true.

Katie: That’s very good to know. Part of that money is gone, you only have this much, and “You need more”—is that true?

Participant: So the money is completely gone, and now it’s about the money I have these days, and it’s not a lot.

Katie: And “You need more”—is that true?

Participant: No.

Katie: That’s so good to know. How do you react when you believe the thought “I need more money”? What happens to your beautiful life and your beautiful body when you believe the thought “I need more money” and you don’t have more money?

Participant: I panic. I lose my joy, which is enormous, my playfulness, my pleasure, and my peace with myself and with existence. I get pissed off at the school that sacked me.

Katie: That’s a lot. That’s a lot.

Participant: I get narrow.

Katie: So “I need more money”—give me a peaceful reason to believe that.

Participant: There is no peace in that.

Katie: No peace in that. So close your eyes, precious. Now watch you living your life exactly the way you live it, without the thought “I need more money.” Look at your life without that thought.

Participant: Then I have a lot of time to spend with myself and I feel perfectly well in that. And I always have things to do, and I’ve got nice contacts. Basically, more work—I don’t like more work. It’s exclusively the thought to work more for money. I’ve got a real full life, full of experiences with birds, with people, with trees, with grasshoppers.

Katie: Wow.

[The audience applauds.]

Katie: And a home.

Participant: Yes, I’ve got a nice apartment.

Katie: “I need more money”—turn it around?

Participant: I don’t need more money.

Katie: No. Not right here, not right now. Not in this moment. And I’ve never known one human being that needed more money than they have. And I’ve tested it. And I invite you to test it. And every moment, notice how you have enough money. Let’s look at the next one. Continue to read.

Participant: I’m still very excited.

Katie: It is exciting, isn’t it? Life without money worries?

Participant: Mm-hmm.

Katie: Oh, you’re still very nervous.

Participant: Mm-hmm. I’m mad at me because I don’t succeed at standing on my own feet financially without the support of my husband.

Katie: “You don’t succeed”—is that true? “You don’t succeed at standing on your own”—is that true?

Participant: I succeed at standing on my own, but I’m of the opinion that I don’t succeed at making it financially.

Katie: So “If your husband’s money was all gone, you would not succeed”—can you absolutely know that that’s true?

Participant: I don’t know. No, I can’t know. I don’t know now.

Katie: And what happens when you believe that thought, “Without my husband’s money, I wouldn’t succeed.

Participant: I make myself small, meek, narrow. I see myself as not capable of living. I see myself as dependent, as not worth living.

Katie: And what happens physically when you experience those thoughts?

Participant: I collapse. I can’t breathe freely, I can’t think clearly. I’m not able to be aware of my real wishes and dreams.

Katie: So give me a peaceful reason to believe the thought “I cannot succeed without my husband’s money.”

Participant: There is no peace—there is no good reason to think that.

Katie: So who would you be, living your life—the same life you have right now—without the thought “I cannot succeed without my husband’s money”?

Participant: I have to get myself into that, first. I feel good. I feel rich, alive, strong, and completely survivable.

Katie: Do you see how you’re succeeding?

Participant: Right! Yes.

Katie: You’re succeeding.

Participant: I will make it.

Katie: Without the thought, look at your life. Full of energy and ideas.

Participant: And creativity. I can bring so much to other people, too—endlessly much.

Katie: And they don’t have to pay you for it.

Participant: Right.

Katie: They pay you or they don’t—you’re a success. You’re helping people. That’s a success.

Participant [crying]: I feel bad when I have the thought that I have to get money from everyone I help.

Katie: You don’t have to. You don’t have to. “You have to get money from everyone you help”—is that true?

Participant: It’s a thought. I love to give, to give a lot, and to give generously.

Katie: When you think of it, you break into tears. That shows you the way. You don’t have to let money stop you from giving. They’ll give you eggs for breakfast —or not. “Without my husband’s money, I cannot succeed”—turn it around?

Participant: I’m a success without my husband’s money.

Katie: Yes. And hopefully you’ll run out of it, and you can test it.

Participant: Mm-hmm.

[The audience laughs and applauds.]

Katie: But until then, you can afford to help people without money. Or for money—but that idea doesn’t have to stop you.

Participant: Yes, my heart gets narrow when I think I should only do it for money.

[Katie laughs.]

Katie: You just have to give it away, that’s how you are. That’s who you are.

Participant: I also wanted to tell you that I was afraid of coming here, because I can’t pay a lot—or scarcely anything.

Katie: I love that you didn’t let that stop you.

Participant: No, there was nothing that could have stopped me.

Katie: You’re a success!

[Audience applauds.]

Participant: I would like to Work on that sentence that I reproach myself for spending the money I got from my husband on trainings in healing and healing work.

Katie: “You should not have done that”—is it true?

Participant: I can only tell you that I did it.

Katie: How do you react when you believe the thought—“I should not have done it; it was a mistake”?

Participant: I feel very guilty, and I have a bad conscience, because my husband had to pay. I feel that I abused my family. I feel simply bad.

Katie: So “It was a mistake; you shouldn’t have done it”—turn it around?

Participant: It was no mistake? I did it because this was the thing to do.

Katie: So sweetheart, give me an example of why it was the best thing to do. How will it help your life?

Participant: It was a lot of money, and it was good to use it in a way that made sense. I didn’t feel well, and I needed healing.

Katie: Why is it a good thing today? Why is it true today that it was not a mistake? An example of why it was a good thing?

Participant: Because money wants to be spent.

[The audience laughs.]

Katie: Yes, it just kind of passes on. So, “I made a mistake”—turn it around?

Participant: I didn’t make a mistake.

Katie: Yes, it sounds like you’ve really learned a lot that can really help you.

Participant: Yes, a whole lot.

Katie: So if you had to choose, would you choose helping people or the money?

Participant: To help people.

Katie: Yes, you just have to. Thank you, honey.

Participant: And I do great works, too.

Katie: Yes. Thank you.

Participant: Thank you.

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15 comments

  1. Thank you so much for doing my work and then sharing it for me to read! This is a place I didn’t realize that I needed to go until I read it here. There are times that I feel isolated from others doing the work and your blog and the hotline are invaluable for me. My gratitude is immense for all that you are doing and sharing. It feels right in my heart to pass it on whenever I feel an opening!

    I love you with all of my heart, Katie!

    Nancy

  2. Dearest Katie, Steven & Staff: This year has been a wonder. It started in April and has been an amazing experience ever since. I don’t think that I would have said it ALL the time; however, now as time goes by, I’m ever in the present, loving the moment and enjoying my sweet self.

    I have learned to EVEN enjoy those experiences that rock [or roll] my world because I know there is yet another area being exposted to my understanding and awareness.

    Thank you all for these enlightenments…I know…I thank my own sweet self for these enlightenments, too. But, this being the time of year for reflection, thanksgiving and appreciation…I wanted you to KNOW!

    Caryl-Marie

  3. Thanks for this Work! My family always presses for me to learn to charge well for the parenting workshops I lead. I have come to learn that it is all right to charge, but when I get pressed to charge more than my actual fee, I get paralyzed and prefer not to do the workshop than to have to charge more. This part on “helping and its relationship to money” made clear for me a lot of thoughts on which I still have to do The Work!
    “I should not give help without charging because it would mean I am not valuing myself and others won´t value me either”. Is that true?! When i believe it I feel paralyzed and stressed. If I don´r have that thought I feel relaxed, creative and a hundred ideas to help come to me.
    Turnaround: “I should give help without charging because it would mean that I value myself (and my capacity to decide when to charge or not) and others would value me too.” I´ll work on it some more!
    Thank you Katie and the participant who shared this!,
    Reina

  4. This is my second attempt to get this question posed. Thank you

    Byron Katie–

    The participant said that she could not “pay a lot—or scarcely anything.”

    Prior to that, you had pointed out that she “can afford to help people without money.”

    My question to you is how would you have answered her if she had asked you to help her without receiving money–in other words, if she had asked you to teach by example: not taking her money in return for your services?

    My inquiry is genuine. There is a paradox here in the story, and it seems like a great opportunity to go deeper into the lesson. I look forward to your response.

    Thank you.

  5. Hi Byron,
    you have been a major positive influence in my life, and I am ever grateful for that. Please come to Chile to do the work. We are waiting for you!
    lOVE gabriela

  6. Dear Katie,

    The last couple of years have been very full of opportunities to use the work. I have found it to be a rock in the stormy waters of my mind and my experience continues to deepen. I have discovered that in the deepest of pain or the most petty of issues lies Gold, just waiting to be uncovered.Not only that, but there is a snowball effect now that initiates inquiry in most circumstances. All this from a secondhand bookshop copy of Loving What Is
    Thankyou Katie
    Sharon, Australia

  7. January 18, 2007

    Dear Katie,

    I attended the New Years Cleanse because a friend intoduced me to your work. Quite frankly, as a trainer I could not wrap my mind around the, Judge -Your -Neighbor Worksheet. It seemed to allow people to have a pity party. Since, I do not allow myself to have that party I was a bit miffed that it was ok to do so. At first, I really stuggled to fill one out. I critiqued myself trying to figure out where you might go with the questioning, then I thought if I was really ready to do The Work I would let it rip. I think that I lost count after about 10 pages of pure pity party purge. One issue after another came pouring out. I even took one to a facilitater who helped me move through it. What a gift!

    Watching you work with so many people with a multitude of issues, displaying such mastery, was truly eye-opening and empowering.

    I have such a deep appreciation for The Work Process that I have shared it with my husband, who I am seperated from. I am excited to share that he sees enough value in it for himself that he has agreed to come with me to your Relationship Intensive in LA. I am so grateful for this opportunity!

    I have an intense desire to sit with him in your parlor. I believe that when we really understand our stories there is a greater chance of making our next decisions based on clearer pictures of ourselves and each other.

    Thank you Katie, for your mastery and questioning tool.

    In profound gratitude,
    Sandra

  8. your conversation with a Participant, which I just read, has
    been clinging with my own thinking lately
    I like your simple staying there, with what had just been said, so people can find their own answers…

    I am also amazed at all the fears people experience…
    and last : you have a very nice face, at least in the pictures.

  9. Thank you for being. Thank you for giving a voice and language from the divine leading. You have given me a hope and a way out of my self-created hell. Thank you God, and Thank you Katie for being His/Her speech. Carina

  10. Byron Katie–

    The participant said that she could not “pay a lot—or scarcely anything.”

    Prior to that, you had pointed out that she “can afford to help people without money.”

    My question to you is how would you have answered her if she had asked you to help her without receiving money–in other words, if she had asked you to teach by example: not taking her money in return for your services?

    My inquiry is genuine. There is a paradox here in the story, and it seems like a great opportunity to go deeper into the lesson. I look forward to your response.

    Thank you

  11. To “Seeker” who asked the question quoted below: In my experience, Katie offers scholarships to people who are not able to afford the workshop or school. If asked, she would have been invited to apply for a scholarship and then it would be up to Katie to grant the request or not.

    Quote: The participant said that she could not “pay a lot—or scarcely anything.”

    Prior to that, you had pointed out that she “can afford to help people without money.”

    My question to you is how would you have answered her if she had asked you to help her without receiving money–in other words, if she had asked you to teach by example: not taking her money in return for your services?

    My inquiry is genuine. There is a paradox here in the story, and it seems like a great opportunity to go deeper into the lesson. I look forward to your response. End Quote

  12. Dearest Katie:
    This WONDERFUL session on this lovely woman’s work regarding her money issues and her husband supporting her is SO RELEVANT in my life right now..I’m a piano/voice coach who has had my mother who is in her 80’s help me with paying my bills…My student load has been low for the first time the past few years.My inquiry has/is one of doing The Work over the crippling shame and self-hatred I feel in having her help..she’s been quite great about it..doesn’t like to hear me berate myself..this is old “story” from when I was growing up and my mother DID lay abusive trips on me..Sooo afraid to trust her giving..hard to feel deserving..I guess I need to drop my story!

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