Audio: “You’re not the right partner for me”

Recorded at a recent public event, this audio lets us listen to a couple doing The Work as they arrive at a new understanding of their relationship and lives together.

See also: Resolving Deep Family Resentments, a new 2 DVD set in the BKI webstore >>

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7 comments

  1. Regarding the dialogue: It was absolutely wonderful, illuminatiing, insightful and really shows the power and beauty of 4 questions and turn arounds. I can see myself in this woman and the judgements I have about my wife that are still there and are really my crap. I can’t wait to go to the school in Oct in LA. YEAH! In the meantime…my work isn’t done until it is. What a life!

    Grant

  2. Oh Wow…been there, done that! I would like to add that sometimes when we ‘use’ the other partner to shield us from what we refuse to see [or refuse to deal with]; we are missing a valuable lesson. Recently, my mother died. I’ve been so busy burying myself in my thoughts that I couldn’t just deal with my loss [is that true?]. Today, I finally realized that my ‘shield’ was my husband’s inability to understand me…WHEN it was my inability to understand myself. OH MY!! Thank you, KT, for sharing this moment.

  3. Ok. but what if my husband really really drinks too much and i know for sure that he is not a good partner for me. I’m a victim in my marriage and I haven’t been able to leave my husband for 16 years. Since I started doing The Work I’m the victim EVEN MORE. In videos like for example “open heart surgery” I see woman who is very moved by the turnaround: “he should open his heart” to “I should open my heart”. I always cry too when I hear this. This is what I do for all of my life. And I open and open my heart and love my husband and what? I’m still very miserable and stuck.
    I prefer to build a wall and distance from him. Then I know that he doesn’t hurt me anymore.

    Does inquiry work for victims?
    ania (poland)

  4. Ania wrote:

    >>Ok. but what if my husband really really drinks too much and i know for sure that he is not a good partner for me.

    Dear Ania,

    I could write a book about this…and perhaps I am writing too much here. I guess I see myself in you and I am moved to reach out to you. When I felt hopeless, I knew to keep doing The Work, and I am not a victim anymore.

    I would question these statements, Ania, because they are so upsetting to you. “He drinks too much.” You could be right, and still it is worth questioning, in order to see how you live your life out of the belief, how you treat your husband, how you treat yourself (as a victim).

    “He is not a good partner for me.” Really? I would question it. There must be a reason you have stayed with him for 16 years. You want something from this partnership; what is it?

    >>I’m a victim in my marriage

    Excellent statement to bring to inquiry.

    >>and I haven’t been able to leave my husband for 16 years.

    You are unable to leave, is that true?

    >>Since I started doing The Work I’m the victim EVEN MORE.

    I would like to know how that works. How does investigating your thoughts result in victimhood? Are you trying to make your husband wrong, or trying to get him to change? The Work won’t do that for you. It doesn’t make you wrong either. It might get you to see your own part in your unhappiness, which could be liberating. You can’t write your prescription for happiness if you don’t know what ails you.

    >>In videos like for example “open heart surgery” I see woman who is very moved by the turnaround: “he should open his heart” to “I should open my heart”. I always cry too when I hear this. This is what I do for all of my life. And I open and open my heart and love my husband and what? I’m still very miserable and stuck.

    “I open my heart.” Is that true? I hear that you love him. Does that mean you have to live with him? Here’s a great one to play with: “Loving him makes me miserable.”

    >>I prefer to build a wall and distance from him. Then I know that he doesn’t hurt me anymore.

    How is that working for you? It sounds to me like you build the wall, and then you still hurt.

    >>Does inquiry work for victims?

    In my experience, I am only a victim if I say I am; and if I hold that to be the absolute truth, then no, inquiry can’t work for me. Inquiry helped me to see that I am the opposite of a victim, that I am in fact powerful, because there are infinite possibilities for happiness, freedom and peace if I am willing to look at the “parallel universe,” which means I have to admit that I don’t know everything. This work allows me to expand my awareness and see what else could also be true, in addition to (or instead of) what I believe. Admitting innocence and ignorance is a wonderful thing. Vulnerability, the opposite of closing myself off, is completely amazing, a blessing in my life.

    I love that you continue to question your mind as you have been doing. A little willingness goes a long way. It did for me, and I was (and sometimes still am) as stubborn as a mule1

    Love,
    Carol

  5. Five years ago i started a relationship with a married man and was very confused with the desition of staying or leaving because i wasnt sure if this was the right parter for me. As i go back to that confused woman i can speak to her and tell her that she made the best desition of her life. I have questioned myself on every possible way about this and all ive come to realize is self love…even before TW i noticed that the only way to keep me sane was to question myself every time a stressfull tought appeared in my mind. Then TW found me and i got to meet it properly..what a relief to know i was and still do what i always knew how to do ..thank u to all involved ..specially KATIE…

  6. hi:
    I was just reading old blogs and there it was mine from last year..wao how time flies. Last year when i wrote this i was practicing the work for several months and specially on my relationship with this married man. I decided to write my “story” since i was sure many woman would agree with me on this one.Now after a loong year of doing TW on my thoughts and on this loong story i want to report big changes.

    Finally i found the freedom to be with this man in my heart but not in my bed.
    At the beginning of this year i was given an oportunity to say NO to my long term relationship. I found myself saying no without fear and with a heart full of love for this man..i love him with all my heart and there is nothing i can do to change this, but i dont have to change it, and thats great. Finding this truth has given me the freedom to act in a different way, perhaps, for the first time im loving without conditions. I feel great and specially all the fear and guilt have been transform into confidence and peace. With great love and gratitude to the TW Im doing things i never thought were possible to do.

    Now im looking forward everyday to work on further thoughs …Im going to be alone, He has forgotten about me, I did the wrong thing by saying no, he is going to go with another woman, he forgot me, he never calls me , etc etc..

    I have plenty of WORK to do and im exited about it who knows what i will be reporting next year..

    with love and gratitude your friend,

    Nitza.

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