Email: Another Basal Cell Carcinoma Story

I visited my dermatologist last Friday for a skin check-up. After checking my back he noticed a little blue lump on my chest. It has been there for quite some time but it had never bothered me so I’ve never had it checked out. He suggested it might be a basal cell carcinoma, which I know are not dangerous and do not metastasize but he suggested we biopsy it. I agreed. He told me not to worry. This meant- “don’t worry.” Nevertheless, I went home feeling a very slight anxiety which continued into Sunday when it blossomed into a really uncomfortable feeling of depression.

I began three separate “One belief at a time” worksheets with different titles. One that I was particularly fond of I titled- I am not a lover of what is. In each one I included a pretty fulsome of what I everything I was experiencing. It was all embarrassingly like all the things I’d previously written about others when I judge my neighbors. Curiously, when I got to the turnaround portion, I didn’t couldn’t come up with anything I believed.

My daughter was becoming annoyed with me and my wife was becoming slightly alarmed. I rather dramatically informed her that I thought something was amiss with my brain chemistry and perhaps I needed medication. She wisely rejected this suggestion as well, idiotic. She asked me if this had anything to do with my doctor’s appointment and I denied that it did.

Full of unnamed dread, I called for my biopsy results but, luckily, they weren’t ready. After a couple of anxious hours the unexamined and unacknowledged belief popped into my head- “a biopsy means something really bad is going on.” Then, the turnaround was obvious. I was imagining a carefree life pre-cancerous diagnosis as opposed to the dread filled after my diagnosis. I had been play acting a little pre-dread dread. It was actually pretty dreadful. Nonetheless, I look forward to another experience of fearing for my health. It was instructive.


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1 comment

  1. Katie, I am saddened to hear about your diagnosis. I had a dear friend that was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma and after several years he’s in remission.

    The other day I was in the airport writing about the agony, loneliness and pain I feel for my 10 week old daughter I lost in March. Word’s can’t expess right now how i feel. However I do try. As I read it over and over again, thought of you came to my mind. I hope you enjoy. by the way Steve Hardison and Chandler are personal acquaintances of mine.

    1. What Is Time?
    2. The melodies that play in my head?
    3. Troubled time, a watershed.
    4. Volumes flowing slowly.
    5. Unbearably.
    6. A burdensome note,
    7. Terribly,
    8. I tread.

    9. Is time punishment or a gift?
    10. It’s the waiting,
    11. Anticipating,
    12. That I dread.
    13. Should time be starved?
    14. Or fed?
    15. The answer won’t come to this head,
    16. I must confess!

    17. Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Time.
    18. Like a deafening Chime.
    19. Yet the melody that’s spoken,
    20. Reveals.
    21. A blessing,
    22. And a curse,
    23. This ground too terse.
    24. Tis’ Still Time.

    25. I yearn for more seconds to pass,
    26. And yet yearn for more time.
    27. Fast.
    28. Grant God speed,
    29. Atlast.
    30. The melody, the plead,
    31. Is still for me,
    32. Just time.

    33. So what is time?
    34. Is it fast or is it slow?
    35. Will it shrink, or will it grow?
    36. Tis Long
    37. And Short.
    38. But still goes on,
    39. A blessing and a curse.
    40. These moments that are last and first.

    41. Unraveled.
    42. Is this bundle,
    43. An inconspicuous trouble.
    44. A mumble,
    45. And a shout.
    46. This time,
    47. This melody,
    48. Won’t come out.

    49. Oh time,
    50. Sweet time.
    51. It’s Bitter this time.
    52. It sends a shiver to my spine.
    53. And Makes for yearning,
    54. The December embers,
    55. This picture,
    56. Is time.

    57. There is no victory over time,
    58. Just Ebs and Flows.
    59. The sands of time.
    60. Should I surrender?
    61. My will?
    62. Is it really mine?
    63. Stubborn.
    64. Time.

    65. As I confront time,
    66. It’s cause for retreat.
    67. But should I look forward
    68. To time?
    69. And thus entreat,
    70. The order.
    71. The defeat.
    72. Nothing beats time.

    73. Not even a warm embace.
    74. Could sufficate.
    75. And smother the unsung song,
    76. Of time.
    77. This time.
    78. Should I call mine?
    79. This precious,
    80. Little time.

    81. Atlast, I see the economy we call moments
    82. If Shed from my breast.
    83. Are cause for rest.
    84. The sheer exhaustion,
    85. Of time.
    86. Become a cause of mine
    87. Heart to beat, yet bleed.
    88. Still for more time.

    By Brian A. Hout

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