ByronKatie.com

Pretty mad, trying to make a change in my life and can't catch A break?
the results i've had are for someone who hasn't made any attempts(!) and I have. I want to move and start over. I've tried to sell the house, didn't work after a year- so i took if off. Responded to tons of job openings online in the city want to go to, but no luck or interviews. Tried changing jobs in current city, but also no luck. a few rejection notes, but very little encouragement. not sure what to do next

I just wrote a blog post about how doing "The Work" has completely changed me. In reading the last line here it became ever more true to me about why this change had not occurred earlier. I had wanted this change for years and had done all I could imagine to make this change happen. But now I see that my thought was that if I changed, that would mean I did not love my child. Staying in fear meant I loved my child. If I let go of this fear than my child would not be safe in this world.

Is that true? When I finally answered this question I saw that I could love my child deeply and at the same time let go of my fear for his life.

Ahhhh, what a blessing. What a change. I am forever changed.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hi Katie,

My immediate response to the end comment of your blog entry is........

why WOULDN'T people really want to change. Why would anyone CHOOSE unhappiness?

They are conscious of their pain etc and sometimes may feel it to be unbearable, so why would they NOT really want to feel better?

For me it always goes back to the 'why' of how someone thinks in the first place. 'Why' have they attached stress and negativity and suffering to their thoughts, why is that pratice so widespread if the simple and natural thing to do is the opposite?

"Why can't I/they change?" is a common judging thought to appear. It appears in a question form which is not the usual form we use when doing the Work. The Work method is to question statements. If this were put into a statement it might this judgment might look like, "I/They can't change." Now the Work asks: Is That True? and follow the exploration into the heart. It might spawn other judgments to inquire about such as "I can/They can make myself/themselves change. I/they want to change. I/They should change. A change would be good-helpful-better. I am/They are not changing. I/They tried to change. I/They failed to change. " At the end the turn around can look like "I/They can change" and Katie often suggests we consider adding three reasons why might be true.
When I do the exploration into my heart about that thought and the ones that come with it, the result is I can no longer make myself believe "I can't change" and all the ones that come with it. When I don't believe that things should change I am not stressed! I am OK with the way things are, I am lover of what is, as Katie says.

"We can't change when we don't really want to."

Whew! That's a HUGE relief! That means I won't change...until I change! How do you know it's time to change? When you're changing! You can't change, you'll never change...except when you change! I won't change, I can't change...except when I do! Hah!!! Oh my god...is this what it's like??? Is this what it's really like? Ohhh...ohhh...my god, so sweet. It's so innocent!

Katie,

I don't understand this post at all - change to what?

Doesn't changing to something other than what we are in the moment imply that we believe we know better, believe we should be doing it differently?

I don't have any answers, the only thing that makes sense to me is to inquire into stressful thoughts and feelings as best I can, either when they arise or afterwards.

In that sense, it doesn't really seem like I'm doing anything, it is happening to me.

Much love and thanks,

Jon

Dear Katie!
I've been on the spiritual path now for 4-5 years, meditate regularly and this path lead me to you. it has helped me a lot to deal with my thoughts and "channel" them.

Yesterday I did the work on my thoughts for my father and there was a sentence.
"I am angry with my father, because he invests the money I send them in shares".
I don't know how to turn it around.
I tried the following:
"I am angry with myself, because he invests the money I send them in shares."
this would be true! But it didn't really help.
then:
"I am angry with myself, because I invest the money I send them in shares."
But that is not true.
I don't.
What to do?
Please help!

Pamir

Why can't I NOT change? I alas am changing all of the time, whether I want to or not. Almost everything changes. Buildings crumble, civilizations come and go. Even the mountains change.

As I wrote this, I became a little older. I probably lost some fluids through my pores, some cells died, and I had thoughts in my head that were not there before that have irreversibly changed my brain.

There's some research that shows that even the process of recalling a memory (or a story) changes the actual memory. Again, why can't I not change?

I like to think that you didn't write this yourself. This is my story, it makes me feel better, and I'm going to stick to it... until, of course, it changes too.

jf

Are you saying that the answer to the question "why can't they change?" is a blithe "they don't want to change" or even "they are clinging to their stories?" Those thoughts seem inherently stressful. If I notice that I want somebody to change -- and believe me, that thought is not unfamiliar! -- surely the answer is inquiry -- not some information from Katie that people who can't change don't really want to. Goodness, how could I possibly know that is true? I find myself judging Katie here for this post -- back to The Work!

On Change

I've been doing the work for a very short time. I am 51 but I read siddhartha by hermann hesse at 17 and I've never been the same since then. I have been on a spiritual search since then.

What I realized tonight after waking up is that I live in 2 worlds. The world of my dreams seems to be an integral part of my life. In it my mother is still alive and I am living with her. (I lived with her before she died 4 years ago. In the world of dreams my beliefs live unchallenged.Perhaps my dream world is more real to me than my real world. In my real world I just fuel myself with food in order to "live" in my dreams

Here my beliefs dominate the landscape. The world of my dream is a safe haven for my beliefs where I cannot yet penetrate until now. Now I see where they live. (somewhat like the roaches in my kitchen that come out at night!)

It is exciting to discover this and to ask myself what happens next. I see that the work that I am doing during my waking hours has finally penetrated my dream world and now my beliefs have been exposed living their nightlife.

The Work is a powerful tool that I need to do diligently or else I don't really "live" . I kind of just dream my life away somehow.

Peace,

Sayani Narottam

Dear Katie,

Why can't I change? I'm not sure that is true but I am still feeling such pain and sadness and grief over a change in my 14 year relationship, that I make that judgment about myself. She left to "find herself" after we moved back home, so that we could make friends. Our relationship, we said, was good, jobs good, now we needed to work on making friends. Well, I am working on that, but without her. We still see each other--we share a dog, and a lot of other things from 14 years, and we are trying to do this differently. I do believe we will be together again. But I am in such pain! I inhale self help books, listen to podcasts constantly, meditate, therapy, piano lessons, am just getting to the work/inquiry, going out with new friends. Even some new supplements; oh and exercise (I run and train for marathons). She said it is not abt me and it is not abt finding someone else, she loves me, only abt herself. But she doesn't know if we will be together again. I could go and on with details but the important part is that we are not together and I can't seem to keep out of the pain for any length of time. I accept responsibility, I know I have only me to work on and yet... I know that I am causing my pain but can't get out from under it, alot. Why can't I change? That really hit me.

Thank you!
tmdb

wow....
I have to say that this post was oddly unclear. I would think that a patient inquiry into the concept of change would have to occur before one could begin to imply responsibility for whether anyone or anything actually changes ever. All I notice happening are shifts in awareness. These shifts can be profoundly effective and affective at the internal level bringing clearer appreciation and understanding. Beyond that any comment or observation can be easily construed as judging or blaming. I often find that just quietly and privately acknowledging what I observe brings me the calm and appreciation I'm looking for. I try to remember that words are totally subjectively interpreted and can tend to irritate and distance others depending on the level of detachment and patience we can bring to any given situation. I try to remember to Whom I might address my thoughts.

thanks for the opportunity to comment

together in mind
jim

Dear Katie,
I remember very well the time I couldn't change. I wanted, but was so afraid. Then I realized, that I was afraid of success and failure. I could see, that this feeling stopped my effort again and again. I decided, that I don't want to be afraid any longer, that love is the only feeling I want to feel. And then you came and helped me to love in any situation. But I wouldn't have been able to accept your help, if I hadn't by then seen my fear...
You perhaps ask, what could I fear. It's the fear to loose anything you love, because of your fault. Only when you see and feel, that you never loose anybody this fear goes away. But it was so difficult. And I was so surprised to find out, that I have the choice! I am still.
We change and with The Work it's easier than ever. Love is with you. Martina M.

Hi Katie

Thanks for the thoughts.

I wonder about long standing challenges I've had. It seems if I could have solved the problem I would have by now. I was in 5 years of therapy, which did help process early abuse, but didn't touch the core stuff. . . I'm sad to think that your assessment about not wanting to change, is true. It doesn't feel that way inside, but not sure what to do at this point.

Hi Katie!

We can change - as you say - although it can be rather painful to let go of our dearest beliefs. This month I'm planning to let go of the idea that "I need to buy my friends expensive Christmas presents."
I have tried in the past to not let this feeling come over me, but I haven't been very successful. Usually I cave in just before Christmas and buy everyone somethingat the last minute. This year I'm unemployed, and I'm living off thesavings in my bank account.

So I'm ready to change.

loving you too! Jan

thanks kt! i needed that.

i have been making excuses my whole life.

now I have to face myself - and sometimes that is not so easy.

i know that i have to let go of my "story" and find another way to look at what's happening.

thank you kt!

I find I'm irritated just reading this post "Why can't we change?". And "I need to change - Is it true?" also arises in my mind. I change, others change, and things change all on their own. But these changes don't match my 'preferences' in the moment. "It should be different - Is it true?". Insinuating in the last line that "I don't REALLY want to change." makes me even more furious. My fault again. I have a bunch of excuses. My fault again. Get me off this ride. It's not any fun.