Letter: “My son will soon be dead”

Katie:

I am still suffering with the thought that my son, who has a brain tumor, will soon be dead. I think of reasons why that would be good in this friendly universe, like then he, who has never seemed happy to me, will be in more peace. What money I have left will be all mine. I will have no children left to worry about or see in pain or laughter. My other son (whom you did TW on with me back at my first school in Oct 2006) drowned at 18 months. In that School I looked at the worst thing that could happen, that I would lose this other son, and now it is happening. Oh yes, another good thing about the last son dying, he won’t have to watch me get old and die.

When I imagine what it would be without the thought that he will soon be dead, and turn it around, that I will soon be dead, I feel a shift. I think I love him, and I notice I love myself more and it’s myself I’m really concerned about in all this. I want him to be fixed and safe so I will be fixed and safe. And it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen and I’m Working on it happening…with me being fixed and safe.

I do The Work constantly and am getting peaceful off and on. Then I see he is not happy and my resistance to “what is” gives me deep pain.

I notice now that my peacefulness seems to be tied like a stock chart to his state of comfort. When he says “Mom, I’m not worth $1500 a month for chemo” I die. I can’t feel prepared yet for his death. I want to pass onto the other side of this but I don’t yet no how. Thanks for being there, Katie.

Peace and Love,
JJ

Dearest JJ,

You do “yet” know how, The Work works when your dear mind is open to “what is next”. You’re not prepared for his death yet, is it true?

It sounds like your not prepared for his LIFE yet, he isn’t dead, he is still living!!!!!! The dead or dying son in your heads image is not your son, it is an image. You are trading your sons life now, for images of death, not your sons life and it is “killing” your time with him and your life with him in joy. He has a right to believe that he is “not worth it”, listen to him, he has a right to his opinion and it doesn’t mean that he isn’t worth everything to you, you can still honor his opinion. You don’t have to agree, your opinion is your business unless you think that his life is not worth $1500. per mo and maybe you don’t sense you don’t believe that he is going to live anyway, and in an odd way it is understandable that the mind would take you there.

I love you JJ, don’t let your unquestioned mind cost you one minute with that darling, dear, dearest son of yours. Is it sadness that you are feeling or love? Isn’t it love, feel it as deeply as you can, let it live in you, allow it, let it cry you, take you over even, its okay, love is all powerful. Don’t confuse feelings that you believe to be sadness with what love feels like, my dearest. I am with you, ask him to hold you for me.

with all of my heart,
kt

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5 comments

  1. I am touched to tears by this letter. I have been worried for many years by thoughts of losing my son and he continues to live. I am the one who has been dying. You have taught me much. With much love and compassion for you JJ. May you find your peace.

    Lisa

  2. We are all dying! My son is a heroin addict and I watch him die every day! Katie did TW with him in Cincinnati and he was clean for a week after! When he relapsed I had no ‘sadness’ only LOVE for him and for Katie who taught me to LOVE what is! Even a heroin addict son who would steal my last dime to get his next fix! I’ve actually wished my son would die many times because it would end his suffering! Then I would feel guilty. Now, I know that he is supposed to suffer, because he is! I’m not anymore! I am LOVING what IS! ALL of it!

  3. It is so touchy….I ve been for years afraid of what will happen to my kids my husband my parents. Afraid that they will be diagnosed with illness, afarid that they might pass away and because of all of these thougts I missed happy moments with them.Live the moment…

  4. I was introduced to Katie and this website by good and thoughtful friends.

    I visited the website and immediately was drawn to this section of the blog and in particular, to this letter. I don’t know what I was hoping to find. I am writing this reply, with tears in my eyes and a knot in my throat (even though I am at the office) in the hope that… frankly I don’t know what.

    Katie’s reply and the other comments are all full of common sense, love and wisdom…but they do nothing to ease the pain I feel.

    My son has cancer, at an advance stage, and although we are all staying strong and positive for him (I certainly do not let myself spoil our times together, by not focusing in the moments, and not enjoying every minute of it)… but I do often find myself drifting (when I am not with him) onto what may happen in the future… and honestly, I do not know how I will cope.

    I cannot see any positives making me feel better about the fact that he may not be with us; or about the fact that we will not be making any more precious memories together (something which I always took for granted); or about the fact that, with the passage of time… it will become increasingly difficult to feel his presence and to remember him, without the aid of a photo or a video (the latter, in particular, upsets me terribly).

    99.9% of the time, I am seemingly strong and positive. I am often told by friends and family, that they are amazed how strong and positive I am throughout this ordeal… But the truth is that 99.9% of the time I am dying inside… I just cannot afford to let myself go, for fear that if I do… I will crumble, and I will not be any good to my son then, who after all is still full of life.

    But I do sometimes worry that, if the cancer beats my beautiful boy, my only reason for “resistance” will vanish and I will crumble. In fact, the thought that, I may not crumble when it comes to it (because lives carries on, and perhaps I will find the strength, like other folk often do) does not give me any comfort whatsoever. In fact, it makes me feel even more upset, like I am not loving him enough.

    Any thoughts will be very lovingly welcome

  5. I lost my daughter one year ago to cancer.

    I have suffered greatly and I am tired of the pain. The truth is my only help, my only source of comfort and the truth is that I don’t know for sure that she’s not with me now. When I focus on the story that she is dead and she suffered and I miss her, I suffer. When I put each one of those thoughts to the test (using TW) I come out with a new way of seeing things. Mainly with the understanding that I do not know for sure much of anything and that I have let my interpretation of things color my whole life.

    My daughters death has pushed me to look deeply into things I never would have. It has been a gift to me and my husband and our family as we would not be having the discussions we have nor be searching for truth as we are. I have been faced head on with having to decide if the universe is a kind benevolent place or a cruel hostile place. After setting aside my anger I chose to believe I am loved and supported by God and a universe of perfect order that I can not begin to understand. For me this core belief is most important.

    I can tell you with confidence that you will not totally crumble if your son dies. You will be stretched in wonderful and startling ways as you look to love your beautiful
    boy in death just as you have loved him in life. I sense a strength in you and I believe you will continue to look beyond your five senses for guidance and strength. And you will find it.
    Thinking of you with much love.
    MW

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