The following is taken from the July edition of the Byron Katie newsletter. Eileen writes because her son's violent video games are causing her stress. Her words are italicized.
Sign up for the newsletter here >>
Katie,
Please help me with this one: "My son shouldn't play violent video games/watch violent children's programmes." I know there's a violence to stopping him playing them. But when he plays them he seems to get brainwashed into thinking it's ok to go around shooting people and that the most important thing in life is to be the winner (the end justifies the means). So at times I panic, because I think, here I am doing The Work, trying to become a more peaceful parent, meanwhile my son is becoming indoctrinated in the art of war. Last week he bit a friend and said it was ok because he won.
I've considered the possibility that how much he watches and what he watches is his business. But he's only six. If he's doing what he wants to do, which is to play video games most of the day (he's home-educated) and I let him, then am I not being passively violent because love would act to protect him? Aside from what will it do to his mind to immerse himself, at such a sweet young age, in programmes made by people who clearly don't do The Work (!), I feel I must restrict his use for fear of what will it do to his body, his eyesight, his posture, his adrenalin (he gets very flushed), what constant exposure to electro-magnetic frequencies may do to his health, in way that can never be measured.
With a 6 years old, where do I draw the line between his business and my business? I find this one a really difficult grey area.
My daughter, Roxann, it seems to me, is very clear about her business, her daughter’s business, and God’s business. She sees her five-year-old daughter as her business and God’s business. If, for example, Marley wants ice cream before dinner and Roxann says no, it is over and done. It is over and done because Marley can trust her mother’s integrity 100%. Marley hears the no and simply goes on about her business.
If Scott, her father, (this no longer is entirely true, as he has since “lived through” a lot of ego didn’t survive the nine-day School for The Work) says no to Marley, he has to say it over and over, since he doesn’t really mean it, even though he thinks that he does; he (is this familiar?) is teaching Marley, unintentionally, that if she can push the right button, crying, begging, stamping around, pleeeeeeeezzzzzzzzing him, etc., he will finally say yes. She only needs to find the right button to push.
Now consider how painful it is for the little girl, as you imagine what she must go through and what she is teaching herself about what it takes to get what she wants in life. Now, consider the little girl who hears what she trusts to be true from her mother. I see peace. Her mother is so very kind in her communication and isn’t seeking Marley’s love, approval and appreciation; she is being honest and answering out of love with her instead. “After dinner, honey.” And that’s it. Roxann is open to a discussion and won’t be moved unless from what she is hearing it makes sense for her to move to another idea. I find that Roxann is very loving and open-minded and real with her children. I closely watched Marley growing up and witnessed the two methods of raising children. (Scott was doing it the way that I did it) The School really opened Scott’s eyes. Beautiful to watch such an amazing young family grow as their minds become open enough to Work themselves.
I asked a health kinesiologist to muscle-test for me how much was ok for my son to watch, and he said he thought an hour and a half was as much as my son's body could manage each day healthily. So then I turn into the 'Hour and A Half police' as I try to apply this daily principle and notice my lovely son become secretive about watching. I have introduced guilt into his joy.
There is another way. I invite you to inquiry, to look to the ways that you are secretive, with him as well as with yourself and others.
So have I left my business in trying to protect my son? I note that when your daughter was drinking you did not take steps to protect her, and that this ability to stand back and just love her is what helped her the most in the end. But she was 16. My boy is comparatively tiny.
I read in Loving What Is that you're no longer a believer that children's teeth shouldn't rot. So am I in my son's business even when I brush his teeth? What about when I rush to save him from an oncoming car? I really get The Work when it applies to adults. But with my children, it's more complex, because I want to be responsible for them.
If you can't answer my question, then at least would you consider developing (a) a book on The Work for parents and (b) a video game for children based on being a warrior for The Work? Perhaps where they could choose which Byron Katie outfit to wear and then act out storming into people's internal prisons releasing them from their uninvestigated alien thoughts. They could have special anti-thinking stun guns, love cannons and guns that shoot out questions and turnarounds. They could have bullet-proof suits printed with Judge Your Neighbour worksheets which see them through all obstacles. It could all be so lovely then. I could just plug my boy into all of that and he'd be happy and investigated all at once. And I could put my feet up, have a cup of tea and celebrate this marvellous technology that gives me a break and keeps my boy so entertained.
Love Eileen
Dearest Eileen,
"Your son shouldn’t play violent video games"—is that true? No, because he is playing them—until he doesn’t, and so much of this is up to you and what you are believing that would cause him to take over your life using ways that you have taken over your own life with. Our children learn from us how to get what they want. .
How do you react when you believe that thought? You feel stressed, worried, exasperated. You’re thinking along these lines: What are children coming to? What kind of horrible company would create a video game like this?
Who would you be without the thought "My son shouldn’t play violent video games"? Probably more relaxed. Possibly at peace with your son. Possibly at peace with yourself.
Possible turnarounds: "My son should play violent video games" or "I should play violent video games with my son" or "My son should play some other games."
Accepting the way things are doesn’t mean you can’t act to change it.
So what to do? How should you act?
As a mother, you have a very clear path of action: either (1) you accept your son’s video game—perhaps you should enter his world, and join the game—or (2) you take away his video games. You can take immediate action. See if you can find an alternative to channel his energy. What comes to your mind? Perhaps a physical sport (skateboarding, soccer, tennis, rock climbing, running), perhaps a book (a friend swears by King Solomon’s Mines), or a chore or activity (mowing the yard, sweeping the floors), building (a treehouse, a kite, a plane), or creating something (a website, a movie, a painting, a comic book)—the possibilities are endless. And if he still chooses to play his video games after that, bring him some cookies and sit with him as he plays. Talk to him about it. About the game, about the violence, about the world. Show him the protests in Iraq on YouTube. You can engage with your child’s world or reject it. Try embracing it.
As an adult, when I do The Work I get free, and my children follow. My children learned confusion from me and are now finding clarity through me. We teach by example, not through empty words that we cannot follow ourselves.
"Sounds like a great video game, however: "rushing, storming…" I would have to relearn. Does it work with a smile on your face? Does everyone drop their gun and laugh? Then I’m in. Any ideas out there?
Thank you, dearest, I enjoyed your letter and have been where you have been, and it can be so very heart-wrenching as a parent when our children are out of control and we don’t know what to do.
Also, The Work brings sanity; no parent wouldn’t take a child to the dentist if they could. Roxann has the most amazing way of brushing Marley’s teeth and Marley today doesn’t and has never, as far as I can see, had the thought that it is something that is a burden. Her mother and father answered her questions and it all made sense to her, just like walking. Ahhhhh, peace is a brilliant state of mind, and my job is to invite the world to that. The way is “in” first and lived “out” as an effect of the power found inside. That is what happens as a natural result.
Loving you and your dear son,
kt
Comments (8)
Katie, my first question is: how to tell the kids washing teeth or washing hands makes sense? Should I tell them about bacteria? I think it wouldn't make them too much sense.
On the other hand. I now read your book Loving What Is for the second time, and I found an excercise useful for at least me. For me, there were times when I felt some unnamed bad feelings without thoughts... and for the first time you may ask yourself: "I must verbalize my feelings to do The Work. Is that true?" When I found the answer it isn't true, it really made sense to me, and set me free. There's time passed, and now, reading this book for the second time I found this excercise I am sharing whith you: when I feel anything (labeled as) 'bad' without a story, for the first question I would ask myself to get the story: "What is the obstacle towards my happiness?"
Maybe a story emerges, this way I can ask your four (six) questions now. When doing this the emphasis should be in recognizing that YOU (your thoughts) is the only obstacle. Doing so for a while made me laughing at myself as an answer to the first question: "What is the obstacle towards my happiness?" as I realized that I am the only obstacle.
As an additional note, as you suggested when I feel anything (labeled as) 'bad', I may ask myself if is it true that exact feeling is bad? Maybe I am who interpret it as bad, it might be neutral, or even good. This might even work. I suggest the readers to choose the method which seems to be more comfortable in the given situation.
I thank you for your generosity sharing this Work with the world, it helped me a lot. Thank you.
Imre from Hungary
Posted by Imre | August 21, 2009 4:25 PM
Posted on August 21, 2009 16:25
Eileen,
Here are a couple of links from others with ideas on how to approach tooth brushing creatively while respecting their children and themselves (and possibly questioning their thinking at the same time!):
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/unschooling%20in%20action/brushingteeth.html
And from the same website another mother writes about her 4 y.o. playing video games "all day." http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/influencing%20kid%20behavior/tv%20and%20video%20games/alldayvideogames.html
These are both from an Unschooling website, a concept I find liberating and so very compatible with The Work. See what you think!
Posted by Liza Rose | August 8, 2009 8:40 AM
Posted on August 8, 2009 08:40
Thanks Katie, for answering my question so thoroughly. My struggle has been deciding which opposite thoughts to question when both cause me suffering: "I should stop him, he's out of control" vs "I should let him self-regulate (aagh! 5 hours later he's still glued to the screen, he hasn't eaten, drunk and barely wee'd.)". As you say, it's painful to see my son out of control, yet I've been unsure whether it's the reality that's stressful or the possible fact that my thoughts are out of kilter with reality. Questioning opposite sides also suggests opposing courses of action. And if ultimately, no thoughts are true - as you seem to have discovered since your encounter with the cockroach - what basic, common sense platform do I start from? I certainly can't trust my instincts any more (ever since attending your workshop in Copenhagen I've come to see 'instinct' is another word for 'unquestioned thoughts' in most cases.) Clarity comes from a questioned mind, but, on the other hand, perhaps I question too much: at the end of the discussion, we come back to the fact that my son is probably out of control, as you say, possibly even addicted, as another reader suggests. We could all be wrong, he could be just fine, just a budding computer programmer, in perfect health (until I start annoying him with talk of doing other things) and it could be me that's out of control in finding fault with it. But perhaps the idea that he's out of control is true enough to act on, for now.
After reading your letter, I took the computer and the TV away for a week. The catalyst was his saying that if he couldn't watch stuff, then he couldn't do 'anything', his life was basically worthless - a thought so utterly wrong, that I figured I'd show him reality. (In a loving way, you understand. Well, perhaps I have more investigating to do.) This has opened up opportunities for reading, music, dancing and he's played with his sister a lot more, teaching her Chinese Chequers and Snakes and Ladders (which bore her). But that's just a temporary measure. In today's world, living in a city, where children play games even on library computers, and my son knows from regular library trips that these games are available on free internet sites, my experience is that it's hopeless to try cutting games and related violent images out of our lives. We'd have to live in a much more isolated location. He's playing games on our mobile phones! So we have to find a way forward, we cannot cast out the world we live in: and your suggestions on how he and I can engage with that world, the peaceful one of tree-houses and the violent one of Iraq, are precious to me.
Love and gratitude,
Eileen
PS
Are there parents out there who like me would love to create a group where we can do The Work together on parenting issues? Perhaps if enough people get back to me we could set something up if it doesn't already exist? eileen@eileentracy.co.uk
Posted by Eileen | July 31, 2009 1:08 PM
Posted on July 31, 2009 13:08
Dear Ones,
it is so so wonderful for me to read this mother's exchange with you, Katie. We have no video games at home (sons age 8 1/2 and 4 1/2) and I have felt no confusion around this so far - not within me and not within my children. Computergames are just not around, and the boys always seem to find something to do for themselves, be it energetic, creative, chaotic, wild or quiet. I also consider BOREDOM to not be a problem but a gateway into ourselves, where we can find what we need, want, desire or long for. So when my kids say " I am bored", I don't believe there is anything that I have to do/change. And they don't seem to believe that either. They just find something that they want to be doing. So far they have always found something. Their creativity and originality is amazing.
Brushing teeth is a more challenging issue. Since reading the dialogue I have been much more aware of my thoughts and my behavior around toothbrushing and have found myself to be much more patient and relaxed around it.
I love reading about parenting with the Work, and for me it seems that parenting from my own integrity is my business and how my children respond to that is theirs. I love the Work, and it feels like me doing it is the best gift I can give myself and my children. Where they will take it.... who knows.
with gratitude
Sylvia
Posted by Sylvia Karathanos | July 24, 2009 2:25 PM
Posted on July 24, 2009 14:25
THE WORK has freed me so much especially as a mom. I am sooooo grateful for that. I rarely 'should' on my children or even myself anymore. But that doesn't mean I am not still my children's mom! It isn't a matter of whether this boy age 6 'should' watch video games...The mom gets to notice how she feels and without all the stress and confusion gets to if she chooses, be the mom and set her standards. When she is in integrity with herself, she acts accordingly. Her child will follow.
I have noticed in doing the Work, understanding what is our and another's business, doesn't abdicate our responsability to our children, it enhances it-so peacefully. Creating limits and opportunities for HEALTHY stimulation for our young children IS our business as conscious, loving parents. For ex, .I don't want my kids (or myself) to eat 'junk food', so, I don't keep any in the house- instead they see big bowls filled with inviting fresh, colorful fruit and nuts and seeds and raisins...Katie gave wonderful ideas of how to better channel this little guy's energy...ADD a bunch of those in and naturally without any fuss crowd out time left for gaming. Blissings
Posted by Shannon Leone | July 24, 2009 11:06 AM
Posted on July 24, 2009 11:06
Hi Katie,
You know too it is just a addiction, like smoking, drinking, gambling or having to much sex. And most people have an addiction or a "bad" habit. Well this on it's own is a chance! It's a chance to turn it 180º around. And that's when you grow as a person. And that moment of growth will come in time. It's like saying NO all the time and leading you to a YES! That's what Jezus taught us!
My Love and May you and your son be blessed! Rudi
Posted by Rudi | July 24, 2009 2:38 AM
Posted on July 24, 2009 02:38
Just read a book called Boys Adrift that addresses the harm that violent video games can wreak. I recommend it.
My son had a one-hour a day limit on "screen time," and very violent games were not allowed. Games have gotten much more violent since he was a child. "Grand Theft Auto" should be off limits to minors; it is rated for adults only. It involves having sex with prostitutes and then killing them, for points. No philosophy that makes sense would say that a child should play this game.
Posted by shannon | July 22, 2009 6:36 AM
Posted on July 22, 2009 06:36
I love it. I love the quote "We teach by example, not through empty words that we cannot follow ourselves." I am going to tweet it and share it with my friends!
Posted by Brett Dupree | July 21, 2009 12:52 PM
Posted on July 21, 2009 12:52