Dear Katie,
I do not know if you will get this, but I must thank you for your book Loving What Is. I was left by my girlfriend and baby and alone in Mexico with only hate mail and lawyer papers emailed to me, and no clue as to where my now past family was. As I travelled back to Canada I was terribly sad and could hardly hold back the desperation and sadness as I flew from Cancun to Minneapolis. I knew instinctively at the time that I had to be okay with them being gone, and me being alone and not able to see my child as a restraining order had been placed on me and there were so many unknowns. I went to a book store and picked up a few books and then I saw the title of yours Loving What Is; this caught my attention immediately, so I purchased the book. When I was sitting in the airport in the same eating area near a pizza place that my girlfriend and baby had eaten at not 9 months earlier, I was overwhelmed with remorse. So I left the area and found a chair and opened your book and started reading. It wasn't 30 minutes and I was suddenly sitting taller and feeling free from the pain. I continued to read and even as my hunger grew I went back to the pizza place and ordered the same mini pizza I had eaten when with my family. I sat there reading and eating that amazing pizza, which it turns out was "humble pie" pizza which I thought fitting later on as I found the receipt in my wallet and had a good laugh.
As I was reading, I started posing the 4 questions to my thoughts "she should not have left me", "I should be able to see my baby", "she should not be able to take my baby", "she should be more understanding and forgiving", the answers came quickly and so did the turnarounds. It was like seeing for the first time, I had absolutely thought myself into depression, suicide, abuse and bankruptcy and then being left alone. I do not know how to describe the feelings that welled up inside me, but it was an awakening or epiphany, or whatever other way one could describe it. As I sat there I started to smile and enjoy my pizza, and it tasted so good, I was talking to the person next to me an simply felt good in that moment.
By the time I was flying to Winnipeg, I was so happy in the moment, for I realized everything I believed true about my life had been a lie and a deception from stories I had created for myself without knowing it. I realized so quickly that I was simply a kind, loving man sitting on a plane flying to Winnipeg, and as I reminisced with a fellow passenger, I knew from that moment on in my life I had finally come to understand what it was that was crushing me into oblivion. When I got to Winnipeg my sister was there waiting for me at the airport, and as I approached they were uncertain to as my state of depression or sadness and were unsure of how to act, I was smiling like the day my baby girl was born and I gave my sister a big hug and was laughing and joking and having a great time all the way home. They were none the less surprised, when asked why I was this way, I had said I had found this book, not sure what the title is though. For a few days my sister continued to ask me if the book was by Byron Katie, and I was like, I don't have a clue. As I am more about substance than the title or author, sort of like the way I am with a good movie, no idea what it's called, but it was good. She asked me if there was a blond lady on the front of the book, and I still had no idea, and as I talked about it she went and found the book in my carry on bag and showed me the book. And there it was, Byron Katie and a beautiful blond on the cover! We had a good laugh, and she started to tell me how she had been reading your stuff for a couple of years.
I thank you for your strategies in understanding our thoughts, it has changed my life. I have not seen my daughter or girlfriend in 3 months, and I am happy every day now, this would not have been possible 3 months ago. I would have cratered and fallen deeper into sadness and depression. Now I feel so free, my thoughts no longer lead the way, I lead them and decide on what to believe and how. It takes work, but I am so thankful I met your amazing Work through your book. I hope to come to a workshop someday when I have the money and I am on my feet, and look forward to meeting the woman who forever changed my life.
God bless you!
Sincerely,
David
Comments (4)
David,
You have much to be proud of.
Like you, my partner left me (in process of divorce now). It has been almost three years since she first told me she was thinking of a divorce. At that time, unbeknownst to me, her kids or friends, she was dating another man from another country who eventually travelled to vacation with her here.
During all this time I struggled to understand what I had contributed to the pains of our marriage, yet was still in a "me" zone, basically panicking to save my own ego and view of myself. Failure was not an option. I was a guy who "closed deals" and this was my challenge of a lifetime to "close".
And I was not quite as far along the path as I my thoughts led me to believe. Just when spring 2009 came along, she went through her own "open heart process" and came out with gratitude, forgiveness, and a desire to create a life together, or so we all thought.
As time went by it became obvious that we were still not reconnecting. She drifted back into another man's arms and this time I finally relented and said we should in fact get a divorce. The kids had been through multiple ups and downs, and neither did I wish to go through this again.
It was around this time that I first understood the concepts of "the stories I tell myself". It was introduced to me by a wonderful therapist in Montreal who specialized in "imago therapy". Not only did we get to a place of peace, yet she helped us carve out a vision of a new relationship based on separate lives. Our priority was the happiness of our four kids, without leaving our own behind. Unfortunately, through that process my wife had met yet another man and hired a lawyer.
About this time I told myself that I knew I was still not getting it. A male counselor, who kicks in the butt rather than caresses our backs, told me about Byron Katie. He suggested I start with Loving What Is. And so I bought it, and read it and read it and read it, over and over. I moved down to the basement of our home on the suggestion of a family counselor who was able to get my wife and I to agree to alternate. WIthin a few days, I was loving my basement. I chose to stay down there, surprising my wife.
And as time went by, I finally figured myself out, the stories and how to combat the stressful thoughts that enter. By welcoming those thoughts and inquiring, they choose to leave me.
So now here we are in court, about to see our day, and I love my wife. Not as a "wife", but as a person, as a partner who helped me create four beautiful kids, as someone who dared to say "enough" of the madness we were in fact living and had the guts to make a decision. It is not for me to question her decision, it is for me to embrace my new reality and make it the best. And so when I tell her that I will love her as an ex better than I did as a husband, its not quite so easy to compute nor accept, yet its exactly how I feel.
The beauty of loving what is, is that you want what you have, no matter what it is. And as you empty, you begin to fill. The things which you think you needed, you no longer need. The thoughts that stressed you out and made you less effective or efficient, disappear within minutes (if not seconds).
And compassion grows not only for yourself, but for others as well. Many think I am a strange cat "loving my divorce", yet how can I live any other way....not! Byron has tapped into true self-love, not the kind that takes, the kind that gives. I have begun serving at a food bank, looking to help those in Haiti right now who are suffering the agony of an earthquake and to help my children love what is, as the way forward for our family. Split or together, we remain a family and it will be an interesting road to ensure that no matter the challenge, we find a way to seek common ground for all of our sakes.
Since adopting this philosophy of life, I have attracted so many wonderful people into my life. The law of attraction is indeed at play, and the funny thing is, that so many are seeking answers and I help them see how Byron can help them (I've probably help sell over a dozen books on my own!).
When we understand what "reality" really means through the inquiry process, we let down the beliefs we have, the stories we tell ourselves are more quickly dispelled and we can find that light which never-before was evident to us.
Happiness is peace. Peace is letting go of thoughts which stress us. Today, I am at peace with so many more things in my world, including the process I am in with my wife. I have no ill feelings, I respect her as a person and I admire her courage. The differences which we have are nothing compared to the glue which is our bond, our children. I used to see mountains....and now I only see molehills.
LWI,
S
Posted by S P | January 15, 2010 5:18 PM
Posted on January 15, 2010 17:18
Dear David,
Katie's work is indeed a blessing. It has also changed my life for ever, bringing me light and laughter when I was, like you, going through a divorce.
I love your letter! And I love your writing! The elegance of your style -fluid, lively, sensitive and intelligent- matches the elegance of your heart and mind.
I hope you're still as serene and happy. Also, I hope that you're aware of how wonderful you are. Let me say that again: you are a wonderful man! As a woman, it's for me a relief and a joy to know that there are men like you around. We need you!
A hug from sunny, Spanish Madrid, Nathalie
Posted by Nathalie Bourgeois | August 28, 2009 2:13 PM
Posted on August 28, 2009 14:13
David, I'm thrilled to hear that a fellow Winnipegger is connecting to the same stuff that I'm currently discovering! You're an inspiration.
Rose
Posted by Rose | August 28, 2009 1:42 PM
Posted on August 28, 2009 13:42
David, I am sooo happy for you!!!!
Now I highly recommend you read "I Need Your Love - Is That True? : How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead" by Byron Katie.
It is the best book on Love Relationships I've ever ever read!!!!
Love and Light
Karen
(another Byron Katie fan from South Africa)
Posted by Karen James | August 20, 2009 9:39 PM
Posted on August 20, 2009 21:39