ByronKatie.com

A Letter of Amends

2008-07-18T10:15:24Z

Dear Katie, Today I read the completed amends letter to my ex-husband that I started in front of the group in April at The School. I feel profoundly grateful and at peace. I wrote and read the letter with peace as my only motive. Eight months ago I could only feel resentment, bitterness and rage. I had been having daily thoughts of suicide for over two years from the hopelessness and despair. Now after two schools and an awesome teleclass with Charlotte (I cannot say enough about the admiration and appreciation I have toward Charlotte, she is the best!) Peace is possible, my world and my life are expanding. Thank you so much. For the first time, I can now see (truly see) and love the father of my children free from the need or desire that he provide me with anything or do anything for me. I felt grateful to myself for the sense of presence and authenticity that I was able to maintain throughout the conversation. I noticed that I did get triggered at one point as we were talking afterwards and that I reacted with defensiveness stemming from a desire to be heard. I noticed and I stopped and went back to being present. We were able to have a friendly conversation and share observations, delights and hopes for our children with an ease and connection that I hadn't been able to find with him before. I feel that I have created a shift in our dynamic that opens the door to healing for myself and for our family. I am grateful to myself for my persistence in seeking healing. I am grateful to you Katie for presenting TW in such an accessible way (I did in eight months what I had not been able to do in 30 years of various therapies and medications). I am eternally grateful to Charlotte for shepherding us through the work in the specific arena of Divorce and I am grateful to all of my classmates. I believe that our collective effort of doing TW contributes to the foundation that supports our growth and that the work will keep working in seen and unseen ways. Thank you. 5/02/08 Dear T, When we were married I wasn’t able to find or acknowledge very much appreciation within me for anything, including you. In our 25+ years together I don’t believe I ever fully present with you and I don’t believe that I ever really truly saw you. There times when I came a little bit close like when I watched you ski. Those were rare moments when I did not judge you. I felt love, I saw beauty and I really admired you. I would like to express what I appreciate about you. I appreciate that you made our children your first priority. I appreciate that you spent a lot of your time serving them like driving J to her horses, and cooking meals for all of us, doing research on a multitude of things and just being around for us and for me. I appreciate your ability to see what is good in others, especially our children. You shared with me your wisdom in letting our children take risks, find their own answers and your wisdom in knowing they didn’t need punishment when they did things that hurt themselves or others. I appreciate that you manage money well so that you could offer us not only security and stability but also many enriching opportunities like travel, private schools, horses, summers at the ranch. You willingly and freely gave me time away to pursue my interests and I thank you for that. I appreciate your gentle nature, your desire to be helpful and your generosity in sharing your time and attention with me, our children, and others. I appreciate your loyalty during our marriage. I appreciate that you did the best you knew how to make me happy and your willingness to go to counseling with me and try to make our marriage succeed. I appreciate your patience and tolerance and your impressive ability to not hold onto grudges. T, you have given me many gifts. First and most important are our 3 perfect, wonderful and beautiful children X, Y, and Z. You also gave me Freedom to explore and develop my interests and you have given me financial security before, during and after our marriage. For these things I am forever grateful. Recently I participated in an exercise that centered on someone we admired. I admire you and I did that exercise with you in mind. What I see and admire in you is: Generosity, Willingness, Gentleness, Loyalty, Caring and Patience T, during our marriage I did many things that hurt you. I expected you to be competent in many ways and I held it against you and I was cold and critical of you when you didn’t meet my expectations. I insinuated many times that you and what you were doing was not good enough and that you should change and I withheld love and affection when you didn’t understand and agree with me. There were times when I didn’t act like a partner in our marriage like when I made decisions about things that affected both of us without consulting you. There were times when I wanted you to do for me what I had a hard time doing myself like reaching out to others and being involved in the larger community. I often ignored your attempts to reach out physically to me and I judged your efforts to be not enough. I had an affair and didn’t care how you felt and I left and didn’t care how you felt. During our marriage I put a lot of pressure on you to change. I didn't listen to you when you told me that you were content and didn't want to change. In equal measure, I put pressure on myself to change and pressure on our children to change. I was very hard on all of us and I didn't listen when you told me that. When I carried the belief that I and or you needed to change, I put a great deal of attention on how I or you hadn't changed and I constantly pushed myself and you. I focused on what was missing in my life and in you. I compared me and you to others. What I imagine that it cost you is many years of not receiving affection, collaboration, and support and not being given the opportunity to feel the joy of your partner receiving your affection and support. It cost our children the opportunity to experience the unconditional love and support of their mother and many years of living in a stressful demanding environment. It cost me the ability to see, experience and support your strengths and to know you. It cost me the opportunities to receive your love and caring. It cost me the experience of my own self-acceptance and the experience of giving unconditional love. It cost me my confidence and joy as a mother. I had a motive for not listening and for continually pushing for change. My motive was fear. I had fears that I needed to do things right or others would judge me, reject me, leave me and not take me seriously. I was afraid of forever feeling fearful, alone and isolated. And I was fearful that our children would feel the isolation and pain that I felt in my life. By extension, I believed you needed to do things right or I would be judged and left by others. And I see that when I believed you weren't doing it right, I judged, rejected, and left you in my mind and did not take you seriously. I equated your worth with what you did and how you did it. I put you out of my heart. I equated my worth with what I did and how I did it. I put me out of my heart. Again, in my experience, this cost you my love, affection, support, harmony, companionship and connection. It also cost me my love, affection, harmony, support, companionship and connection both to myself and to you. I experienced it as causing separation, heaviness and stress in our family. I am sorry that I didn't listen to you and that I put unachievable expectations on you and blamed you when you did not meet my expectations. For the many times and the many years that I treated you unkindly I am sincerely sorry. If there are things that I did that hurt you and that you would like me to know about or acknowledge I am ready to listen and I would like to hear them. I am profoundly sorry for the stress I have caused you and our children and am willing to do what ever I can to make it right. I welcome your ideas. In the mean time I am committed to living my life differently than I did in the past. The ways that I have identified include: 1. To notice when I have the thought that someone else, particularly you or our children, should do or be in any particular way and then look at how I can be or do it myself. My goal is to never tell another person what they should be or do or how they should think or act and if I do to notice and make amends as quickly as possible. 2. Another way is to stop blaming anyone or anything for how I feel or experience life. 3. Also, when I notice that someone has contributed toward my wellbeing that I will acknowledge them verbally or in writing as soon as possible. If you ever feel that I am blaming you, accusing you or criticizing you I ask that you point it out to me because I am sincerely working on not seeing you or anyone as my opponent or enemy. T, I am grateful to you. I am grateful that you are the father of my children, You are a gem and I love you. Love, C

A Note from Helsinki

2008-07-17T07:57:41Z

Dear Byron Katie, This might be old news for you, but I found that two groundbreaking Stanford University pain syndrome experts consider Byron Katie's approach the best form of Cognitive Therapy. In the new Revised 5th Edition of A Headache in the Pelvis (pp.326-330), that came out in May 2008, Stanford psychologist David Wise Ph.D. and neurourologist Rodney Anderson, M.D. refer to Albert Ellis' Rational-Emotive Therapy and Aaron Beck's Cognitive Therapy and then write (in their italics): "The best form of Cognitive Therapy is, in our opinion, is offered in the work of Byron Katie who provides an approach to disarming catastrophic thinking by means of a process that one can do oneself. This is the approach that we recommend." They then describe the procedure adding: "Our description of this process is rarely sufficient to become proficient at it. We discuss this method in our monthly 6-day clinics. Information specifically about this cognitive therapy work can be found at www.thework.org and the books of Byron Katie." Wise and Anderson are practical "in the trenches" therapists who work daily with severe pelvic pain and other chronic syndromes . They recommended Byron Katie's method already in the 4th edition of the book (pp. 298-301). I am happy to tell that my friend Ms. Essi Tolonen will be able to make true her long-held dream -- Essi will attend the 2008 School in Germany in two weeks. Many people here in Finland are already eagerly waiting for what she will tell us about the School. All the best to you and your wonderful work J. V. Helsinki, Finland

Europe 2008

2008-07-06T00:58:01Z

I'm thrilled to be in Europe again this summer. This may be my last visit for a while. The body says "slow down" and mind says "keep going until everyone in the world has The Work." Since I don't know when I will return to Europe, this trip is especially dear to me, and I would love to see as many of you as possible in two of my favorite cities, at two day-long public events:

Amsterdam on Friday, July 18, and

Stuttgart on Sunday, July 20. Also: the nine-day School for The Work in Bad Neuenahr, Germany, July 25-August 3, will have real-time German translation. We have a new translating system, which allows the translation to happen simultaneously as I speak, with no delay (German speakers wear headsets). So they can do The Work with me in real time! We tested it in Spanish at the Miami School, and it was seamless. Registration is open, and I would love to see many many of you come to School for the shift of a lifetime!

Is it True? Our Mind Creates Our Reality

2008-06-26T11:18:31Z

A while back a friend sent me the following quote, from the Indian Buddhist teacher Aryadeva. He wrote this almost 1900 years ago: "To question that things might not be as they seem can shake the very foundation of habitual clinging. This questioning spirit is the starting point for self-reflection. Could it be that this tightly-knit sense of self is not what it seems? Do we really need to hold everything together, and can we? Is there life beyond self-importance? These kinds of questions open the door to investigating the cause of our suffering. "The actual practice of self-reflection requires us to step back, examine our experience, and not succumb to the momentum of habitual mind. This allows us to look without judgment at whatever arises, and this goes directly against the grain of our self-importance. "Self-reflection is the common thread that runs through all traditions and lineages of Buddhist practice. It also takes us beyond the boundaries of formal practice. We can bring the questioning spirit of self-reflection to any situation, at any time. Self-reflection is an attitude, an approach, and a practice. In nutshell, it is a way to make practice come alive for us personally." Interesting. The old is new, and the new old. Back to the present. The phone rings. I say yes or no. There are not many ways to directly answer people's questions. And as these answers flow out of what's true for me in this moment, out of this pure power within me, the world is shaped on the other side of the phone, mind is influenced, interpretations form, life moves this way or that as effect, it seems. How else could the world be created? They say, "It's your fault," and I think, "Isn't it odd that after the fact they would hear a yes or a no in such a way?" Or they say, "Thank you, thank you thank you," and I think, "Isn't it odd that such power is given to such simple answers, yes or no?" The world is created as I sit here, it springs into being and is mirrored back to me as life. It's wonderful not to be the doer. Everything is a story. The mind spins stories out and you believe what the mind tells you. Every time you are stressed out or fearful, you are believing what the mind is telling you. The Work is about discovering what is true and what is not true for you, the difference between reality and imagination.

Who Would You Be Without Your Story?

2008-06-22T07:06:07Z

We are thrilled to announce that a new book will be appearing on October 15. It's called Who Would You Be Without Your Story?: Dialogues with Byron Katie, and you can pre-order it now.

Cards that Care

2008-06-15T07:33:13Z

Compassionate Communications was founded by Greg Voisen after his oldest son Sean was diagnosed with leukemia at the age of twenty-one. After this life-changing experience, Greg sought new ways that he could help give back and support the growing community of families and individuals facing the challenges of cancer and other life-threatening illnesses. Learn more >>

"Hi" from The School in Miami

2008-06-14T05:14:00Z

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The Work in Malawi (Continued)

2008-06-11T01:29:58Z

Kondwani keeps The Work moving in Malawi. More about The Work in Malawi here and here >>

Email: Another Basal Cell Carcinoma Story

2008-06-06T05:04:45Z

I visited my dermatologist last Friday for a skin check-up. After checking my back he noticed a little blue lump on my chest. It has been there for quite some time but it had never bothered me so I've never had it checked out. He suggested it might be a basal cell carcinoma, which I know are not dangerous and do not metastasize but he suggested we biopsy it. I agreed. He told me not to worry. This meant- "don't worry." Nevertheless, I went home feeling a very slight anxiety which continued into Sunday when it blossomed into a really uncomfortable feeling of depression. I began three separate "One belief at a time" worksheets with different titles. One that I was particularly fond of I titled- I am not a lover of what is. In each one I included a pretty fulsome of what I everything I was experiencing. It was all embarrassingly like all the things I'd previously written about others when I judge my neighbors. Curiously, when I got to the turnaround portion, I didn't couldn't come up with anything I believed. My daughter was becoming annoyed with me and my wife was becoming slightly alarmed. I rather dramatically informed her that I thought something was amiss with my brain chemistry and perhaps I needed medication. She wisely rejected this suggestion as well, idiotic. She asked me if this had anything to do with my doctor's appointment and I denied that it did. Full of unnamed dread, I called for my biopsy results but, luckily, they weren't ready. After a couple of anxious hours the unexamined and unacknowledged belief popped into my head- "a biopsy means something really bad is going on." Then, the turnaround was obvious. I was imagining a carefree life pre-cancerous diagnosis as opposed to the dread filled after my diagnosis. I had been play acting a little pre-dread dread. It was actually pretty dreadful. Nonetheless, I look forward to another experience of fearing for my health. It was instructive. M

A Letter for Denmark

2008-06-04T17:23:42Z

Dear Katie This is what happened to me after the certification workshop. In the process of taken care of myself, I went to a mammography just for prevention purpose. On this particular day there was a very senior doctor instead of the usual staff. He immediately discovered very, tiny small changed and send me to the major hospital in Denmark for continual treatment. In these days there were strikes of the nurses in Denmark, so the hospital was on very low drive and my scheduled time was cancelled. A senior doctor took event and called me and said I had to come anyway. I was called in and had taken a biopsy by a very, very skilled doctor. I got the results a week later and it was cancer and they wanted to operate me as soon as possible – strike or not. 13 days later I came to the hospital and L, my friend from the work was waiting for me at the entrance, and All the busses were stopping and people would get out an in. She were her usual cap so it was just like meeting her in front of the crown plaza hotel in Los Angeles before school starts – amazing. The operation next day was absolutely amazing – so full of love that I was overwhelmed. They had to put some needles in before the operation to be sure to pick out the right spot (to remove) and I almost fainted of pain and it was pure love. So many people offered there help and care and support- so I had this picture of an anthill. When you put a stick in there all the ants work together to repair the damage. How deeply we are connected (this is from someone who did not as far as she knows have that experience as a child). Everything looked normal at the operation also the lymph nodes. And I am waiting for the final results from microscopy next week. Amazing how this cancer- or what ever it is – I don’t know – has already given me the experience of love – that there is nothing else than that and how deeply we are connected in this –what ever it is. In deeply gratitude Katie for what I have received from you. Yours always, P

An email to KT

2008-05-29T19:04:27Z

As Friday now begins, this will be my fifth day living here in the county of Humboldt. I feel so many lessons waiting for me here, so many stones unturned, so many teachers fast approaching. I love to notice how full of myself, how self-righteous, and how quick to judgment I am. It is so exciting to see how much work I still have to do. It fills me up with bursts of enthusiasm, as I reflect on anything in the day that felt like velcro in my body, any stressful thoughts that did not pass with ease, but instead stuck inside me and became hard. I had such a beautiful facilitation by my new friend D today. My stressful thought was "I don't fit in". I quickly came to realize it was my thinking that did not fit in here. It was my thinking that was creating all of the separation I was seeing. There is no separation until I believe it. Believing the thought I don't fit in makes me focus on where you and I are different. It only makes me want to see more ways that I can justify this belief that I indeed, do not fit in. That you are not like me, and that I am better. It's become such a game, between me, myself, and I. When I hear the thought swell up inside me "I'm better than you, or, I know more, or I'm on such a higher level" I meet it with giggles of joy. I now actually enjoy kicking myself off my own pedestal, it's become so impersonal. Somewhere along the path of committing to self-realization, it became self-enjoyment, and now there is no part of my mind I do not enjoy. I am so appreciative for this continued commitment of inquiry with ongoing partners. I was quite resistant at first because I believed I didn't need it. I have had to sit with myself literally for an hour or more at a time to try and find one thought that was causing me stress before calling my partner. Sometimes I can't locate one at all. And I find that those are the days that inquiry is just simply fun and when the call ends I feel happy to have connected with someone from the school. And then there are days, like today, when I needed that call. I was feeling alone, isolated, and out of place here in my new place of residence. I got to talk it out with someone who uses the same language, someone who knew the work, someone who could just hold the space for me, ask the simple questions, and listen. It is priceless. I've come to realize that I don't need The Work every day. I go days on end without a single stressful thought. And then something pops up and I discover a new stone, or an ancient stone, that hasn't full turned over and cleaned itself off yet. Those are the days that I go straight to inquiry and fall in love again, and again, and again. I can no longer locate a time I am not falling in love, whether it is with living without stressful thoughts, or living with a stressful thought and then asking it four simple questions and turning it around.

The Work in Kansas City

2008-05-27T16:21:14Z

An Email from E

2008-05-25T20:08:58Z

Dear Katie: As I came back form the School in April I started to have fearful thoughts about my body, not at all like me before, so I began to see "dangerous moles"and had them checked, then I went to see another the Doctor who said he felt my heart energy low and I should go to see a cardiologist, in the meantime I watched my mind and I new something deeper was moving on without having any clue what it was about. Then one morning I found myself lecturing my husband about how hard his silence was for me, as I thought I had finished and went to get ready start my day and got into the shower a thought came to me: "Oh, my husbands silence is killing me!" - then a quick turnaround hit me, "my silence is killing me?" with a big question mark attached to it because I talk a lot, then like if I had been hit by thunderbolt I saw that I have never ever been able to express to anyone my fears, needs or desires or to ask for anything at all. How true it was that my silence was killing me! and I saw how I had used my body as a shield to protect that deep silence, going to the extreme of willing to sacrifice it before opening up, so I have had threatening health issues in the past. All of this happened at the speed of light without even doing the JYNWS. Needless to say that I spent the rest of the day overtaken by the clarity of my mind and the true power of The Work. All my secretly hidden capacity to love is out to the world now. God bless you Katie you are truly a gift to the World! All my love to you, E.

The Work in Grass Valley, California

2008-05-23T18:55:25Z

Video: I Need to Live - Is that True?

2008-05-22T03:58:45Z