Letter: Losing a Child.

Dear Katie

I know you are very busy and lots of people are asking something of you. I am writing to you, because ‘something terrible has happened’ – the 6 year old girl of a friend of mine had what is called a freak accident, and she died yesterday. I am very touched by her death, and am writing down lots of beliefs about death, protection, safety, danger and so on, but somehow I absolutely cannot see how I can love that this happened. The idea of loving when somebody loses their child (even if it is only they who believe that) seems cruel and cold. Please can you tell me how one can move from accepting what is to actually loving it?

With buckets of gratefulness to you,

Byron Katie’s Judge- Your- Neighbor Worksheet

Video: My Mother Should Take More Responsibility for her Health

A daughter believes that her mother will get sick and possibly die if she doesn’t become more active. By questioning this thought, the daughter begins to take responsibility for herself, and realizes that this is how she can have a happy relationship with her mother.

For more information visit:
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Video: “The worst that can happen to me”

Your heart is racing: the worst that can possibly happen has happened. Watch as a man finds the surprising turnarounds and release from the many stories that we can’t imagine are anything but true. A mind opening video not to be missed.

For more information visit:
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Video: “He Lied To Me”–Is It True?


A man is convinced that his friend lied to him; he feels hurt and angry. But when he questions that belief, with the help of Byron Katie, everything shifts. “This is the most empowering thing that you’ll ever learn,” Katie tells him. “It’s the truth that sets you free. Your truth, not ours.”

In this brief video, the four questions and turnarounds of The Work are clearly outlined for the concept “He lied to me.” This is a wonderful reference tool for anyone who wants to understand The Work better, or for those just beginning to use The Work.

1.  Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
2.  Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
3.  How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4.  Who would you be without the thought?

Website: http://www.thework.com
Webcasts: http://www.livewithbyronkatie.com
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Video: “He doesn’t listen to me…”


Byron Katie demonstrates answering question four from the four questions and turnarounds of The Work: “Who would I be without that thought?” Her sample thought is “Paul doesn’t listen to me.”  She closes her eyes and revisits the time and place of a stressful situation thirty years ago. In this moment, she begins to see Paul clearly, finding nothing but love.

For more information visit:
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Turnaround House

Many of you have asked about our 28-day program at Turnaround House in Ojai, California, home of the Center for The Work. Turnaround House is one of the loveliest and most charming homes in our area, and our program is really beyond words that can do it justice; it’s a one-of-a-kind experience! Turnaround House is here for those interested in quieting the mind and understanding how the mind works and knowing how to end the war of the mind with itself. It is a total immersion in self-inquiry, and results in a new way of seeing the world, and above all else, love: our true “isness” awake and at peace . We take on our dysfunctional, compulsive, and addictive thinking about life, relationships, food, financial security, depression, burn-out, fear of dying, fear of being alone, and more. We at Turnaround House are here to welcome you home and to help you to a new life and to the beginning of the end of suffering.

In the last month we have shared our Turnaround House with dears from Canada, New Zealand, China, Mexico, Ireland, Austria, Germany, and the U.S. What an amazing and far-reaching light to cast into the world!

We understand that not everyone can take 28 days away from their lives and families, so with all our hearts we invite you to Germany and the upcoming nine-day School for The Work, where we will be dealing with these same issues.

Again: for those of you who can’t attend our programs, please call our Helpline to do The Work (completely free of charge) with facilitators from the Institute for The Work of Byron Katie, who have the power and experience to help you until you can help yourself. We are here for you. We don’t ask for your name or your address or phone number, or email address; we do want your freedom (if that is what you want) and peace of mind, here on earth. Freedom is our birthright, and we invite you, through inquiry, to our many options at thework.com.

Allways loving what is you,

The Work in China

Dearest Katie,

I am writing to you from Shenzhen, China. Just finished a 3-day workshop of The Work for 30 participants. Want to let you know that The Work is so so well loved by the Chinese here.

It touched me deeply to see the willingness of these lovely ones, especially the young people, to step into inquiry. They are so precious. I find myself holding them gently like how I have been held by these questions all these years. It’s such a privilege to share The Work with them.

I have included a photo of our group photo. They want to say hi to you. 🙂

lots of love,


* * * * *

It was a wonderful experience to work with our dears during our China Webcast. Christine Lu Eggleston (Institute for The Work of Byron Katie Certified Facilitator) was there to shepherd all our Chinese-speaking friends in the event from Chinese to English and back again. Thank you, Christine! The Work lives in China, also thanks to our Sophia Wu (Institute for The Work of Byron Katie Certified Facilitator), who is always generously moving The Work in China.

(To find our Institute for The Work of Byron Katie facilitators in your language, please go to our profiles at thework.com. Loving What Is is available in 31 languages. Also, look for your country flag on our site.

Video: “My Son Is Selfish”

A woman who consistently argues with her son questions the thinking behind her side of the arguments. Through this inquiry she sees a new way to communicate with her son and finds the possibility of freedom for herself.

For more information visit:
Website: http://www.thework.com
Subscribe: http://www.youtube.com/theworkofbk
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theworkofbyronkatie
Twitter: https://twitter.com/ByronKatie

The Helpline

Did you ever try the free Do The Work Helpline? Here is one of the many emails we receive:

My name is Simon and I live in France. I called and spoke with Melissa on Saturday and wanted to say how enormously helpful it was to me, and what a wonderful person she is! A friend gave me Loving What Is in August and I feel that it has changed my life. Two previously troubled relationships–one with my mother, the other with a neighbor who is also my best friend–have been completely transformed as I questioned my thoughts and saw how much my thinking was the problem and the cause of my pain (and not the other people).

That said, I felt I had got so far with inquiry with one of those relationships and as hard as I tried I was feeling stuck and not sure how to take things to a deeper level in questioning my thoughts. Melissa so sweetly and kindly and thoughtfully helped me take things to that deeper level and I am very grateful to her.

Just in the last few months The Work has helped me find such peace and joy in my life, so thank you Byron Katie, the Helpline and everyone who gives their time freely in the service of others. I wish you all every blessing and thank you with all my heart.


Huff Post says, “Byron Katie Just Wants You to Be Happy.” Is it true?

When I’m working with someone, I don’t think about the outcome. I’m not concerned with whether you’re taking it in, or how deep your insight is, or what you do with it or how far you go with it, or whether you’re in total resistance or have a major awakening. What I care about is what you care about. If your answers are shallow and limited, that’s all right with me, because I see that it’s all the depth that’s required in your world right now. If you seem to make no headway whatsoever, I understand that the illusion you’re holding on to is precious for you, and if you want to keep it, that’s what I want. Or if, on the contrary, the bottom falls out as you’re answering the questions, and everything you thought you knew drops away, and you fall into the abyss of reality, I love that you’ve given that to yourself; I love the polarity you’ve entered, the don’t-know mind, where everything is surprising, fresh, and brilliant, and you’re like a child discovering life for the first time. But that isn’t my preference unless it’s yours. Why would I want to take your world from you, even if I could? Nothing comes ahead of its time.

Turnaround House

Turnaround House is Byron Katie’s 28-day program for The Work. Katie and her staff will guide you through this intensive program that offers The Work on addiction, depression, and confusion of all kind and will show you how to change your life- style and maintain these changes. We offer hands-on ways of functioning at a whole other level that support the end of suffering. Byron Katie is on staff as often as her schedule allows.

****About Turnaround House | Our Rooms & Grounds | Meals
Aftercare | Register ****

If you are depressed or suffer from shame, guilt, and confusion…

If you eat even when you’re full…

If you experience a loss of energy or great fatigue, lack of purpose…

If you want to change the way you think and feel dramatically…

If you are indecisive…

If you are tired of living your life seeking the love and approval of others…

If you suffer from burnout…

If you experience recurrent thoughts of death and suicide…

If you often hate yourself…

We invite you to your own 28-day Turnaround House experience.

If you feel pushed and pulled by painful, stressful thoughts and if some of them begin with “I can’t….” “It’s too….” “There’s no….” “They won’t…”, and you have stumbled over one or more of these thoughts, then we welcome you to the Turnaround House experience.

Letter: “I don’t like the way he touches me”

Dear Katie,

For years, I’ve been struggling with the relationship between me and my son’s father. I left him when my son was three months old (he’s almost ten years old now), because I had a post partum depression and I experienced the way he dealt with that as very unpleasant. I left when my inner voice told me I could either leave on foot right then or be taken away “to the funny farm” a little bit later.

I think I can say I’m able to accept—and even love and appreciate—him the way he is, now (The Work has been most helpful to me to accomplish that!), but I still have some problems with his behavior towards me. For almost ten years, he has been touching me in ways and places I don’t like (i.e., that don’t feel right to me), whenever he sees me, and when I tell him I don’t like what he’s doing he just laughs and goes on.

Because I believe my son deserves to grow up in harmony, I’ve never wanted to start a fight about this—but, in all these years, I haven’t been able to find a peaceful way to make him stop this behavior towards me.

On the one hand, I think I should just learn to accept that this is the way he behaves towards me, because it’s reality; on the other hand, I feel such a strong revulsion deep down inside me, when he behaves towards me in that way, that I find it hard—if not impossible—to really accept it.

I would be most grateful if you could shine your light on this for me…

Much love,

Dearest Ann,

You say that when you tell your son’s father that you don’t like the way he touches you, “he just laughs and goes on.” How would he know that you really don’t want that behavior when your “no” doesn’t really mean no? He may understand this about you. And isn’t your “no” teaching your son, if he is a witness to you and his father and these exchanges, that it’s okay to touch women against their will, in spite of their “no”? It’s not harmony that you’re teaching in this situation. “This is okay with me. I will do whatever it takes to avoid conflict.” Our children learn many of their behaviors from our example, and in this case from his father as well. “When a woman says ‘no,’ don’t believe her. Don’t respect what she is saying.” I don’t see this as cause for guilt or shame; it’s just that you’ve innocently been believing your motive-driven thoughts and are trying to convince yourself that you don’t have a right to be frank and authentic about what you want and don’t want from your ex. “You should learn to accept how he behaves toward you”—is that true? Notice, how you react when you believe that thought. Revolted, passive, phony, dishonest, feeling that the spiritual thing (as you perceive it to be) is what you describe above? Who would you be without the thought? I see a clearer, kinder example for both your son and his father.

If you haven’t done a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet on your son’s father, now would be a good time (as now is always the only time to do it). And if you have done a Worksheet on him, did you nail down the moment of revulsion that you actually felt? I suggest that you imagine him again in that situation, touching you in inappropriate ways, and as you identify the thoughts you were thinking at that time, write them down on the Worksheet. It might serve you and be helpful to work with one of the Institute (for The Work of Byron Katie) facilitators on this one, as they can help you stay focused on inquiry. Or, you are welcome to call the Helpline if you think we could assist your focus until you can hold it firmly for yourself. Your e-mail really has touched my heart, angel. If I could survive this agony (and that’s what it was for me), it tells me that you can too.

Love, just as you are,

Letter: “Not taking the blame”

Dear Katie,

After some trial and error, I am finally learning how to use The Work, but I am wondering if my situation may help clarify something for others.

I have a difficulty standing up for myself and have found that often I inquire on questions in a way that doesn’t work. For example, when having a relationship problem I always craft the question as if I am wrong to be upset with the other person and it feels very dishonest by the end when I have basically just constructed an accusation towards myself, in other words, always with the assumption that I should stay in the relationship because my thoughts are what is wrong.

For example, I recently ended one relationship in which I was treated badly and I feel great! My stressful thoughts lead me in the direction of ending the relationship. With the inquiry I was doing, I found I was deluding myself into thinking the relationship was good and that I only needed to inquire to find that everything is really fine.

For someone like me, who tends to take blame and assume I am wrong, how can I avoid this trap and find the best thoughts to inquire about, honestly? How can I see my hidden assumptions?

Thank you for the Work you are doing.


Dearest Logan,

I am so glad you asked and for this Worked mind, I find that I am free to leave any relationship, at any time, with or without a “valid” reason. In this, as in everything, Stephen can trust me completely. He can trust that I want to be his wife, partner, friend, and he trusts me with good cause. He trusts and respects that if I want to leave our relationship, it isn’t about him, it isn’t about one or both of us being right or wrong, rather it is that I “myself” stay connected to him, no matter what status our relationship may seem to be. I am always focused on my connection to what is kind, that preciousness that never waivers, and that always includes connection to all apparent (projected) others, including Stephen. It’s never personal, and it couldn’t be more personal. And I want that kind of freedom for you too, if that’s what you want.

So, in answer to your question, here is what I suggest. First, download a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet from the website or go to the Work App on your Android or iPhone or iPad, and begin to contemplate that stressful situation. Become very still, with eyes closed, and begin to focus on one specific problematic, stress-filled, difficult moment within that situation, when you were, in your words, “having trouble standing up for yourself.” For example, “I am angry at” (or saddened, etc.—identify the emotion you were feeling in that moment) and then fill in the name. Now, eyes closed, identify and get in touch with why you were angry (or saddened or …) at that person in that moment. Next, as you continue to consider and meditate on that same situation, fill in the next five statements on the Worksheet.

Now, let’s continue, let’s do The Work. Begin by questioning each statement on the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet, one by one. Meditate on all four questions, then find turnarounds, and examples for each turnaround. This process takes focus, an open heart, and stillness. Your examples for each turnaround will reveal new realities to you. Allow them, as they are shown to you, to settle into your awareness, realities you may not have been aware of, they will wake you up one by one and enlighten you, show you a much kinder world. With all the love in my heart, I invite you to meet that world that is living right here, right now, right under your nose, just four questions (and your answers to them) away.

Thank you, Logan, angel. Please let me know what difference filling in and Working the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet makes for you. No shortcuts, angel. A One-Belief-at-a-Time Worksheet is also available at thework.com, and if you want to meet the underworld of beliefs that makes possible your suffering, I suggest that the concepts you take to that Worksheet come from the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet. The two can work as one. I see many people missing out on the full Worksheet, and I love that through your question a little more light breaks through into consciousness, into what really matters, and that is the freedom of your mind, your open heart, and the end of suffering in your world.

In deepest gratitude,

Video: My Daughter Won’t Forgive Me


A woman who is a recovering alcoholic does The Work on her beliefs about daughter’s lack of forgiveness. With the help of Byron Katie’s patient and incisive questioning, she comes to see that although the alcohol is out of her life, her deeply-ingrained denial of reality has persisted. In this video we see a vivid example of how The Work can help break through denial, as the woman acknowledges the turnaround “I won’t forgive me.”

For more information visit:
Website: http://www.thework.com
Subscribe: http://www.youtube.com/theworkofbk
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