It has been a life’s work to make our partner wrong. Then when we enter inquiry, we lose. It’s a tremendous shock. And it turns out to be grace. Winning is losing. Losing is winning. It all turns around – Byron Katie
A young woman is heartbroken because she believes that her boyfriend gave up on her. She describes being on a plane and hearing a song that she once sang to him. In that moment, she feels hopeless and angry at the world. Byron Katie guides her to drop into stillness, question the thought, and meditate on the turnaround “I gave up on him.” “This is intimacy—mind understanding itself,” Katie says.
Other concepts she questions are: “I want him to see me,” “I want him to give me another chance,” “I want him to open his heart to me,” “I want only him,” “I want him to understand me,” “He should see where I was coming from,” “He shouldn’t be so stubborn,” “He should see how much I’ve changed,” “He should see how good we could be now,” “I need him to take me back,” and “I need him to trust me.” Katie invites her to turn each of these thoughts around and wake herself up.
Melissa from Texas feels violated when she believes that her ex-husband read her journals. After questioning her belief, she notes that she violates herself with her constant fear, and by putting herself in situations that make her fearful.
“Past and future are nothing,” Katie points out. “When we believe our thoughts, we’re in a movie, worried over nothing.” After hearing this, it occurs to Melissa that she’s been afraid of nothing her entire life.
Carmella from Atlanta lost her temper with close friends and made them leave her home. She asks, “How do I get over this without forgiveness and without any accountability from them?” Byron Katie says, “I can be accountable for my part; that’s all that I can do. What I am thinking and believing is what causes my anger, not anything that they said or did.” Katie guides her in meditating on the moment when she was angry, so that she can capture her thoughts on paper, question them, and set herself free.
The voice within is what I’m married to. All marriage is a metaphor for that marriage. My lover is the place that an honest yes or no comes from. That’s my true partner. It’s always there. And to tell you yes when my integrity says no is to divorce that partner.
In this intimate session between a man and a woman, we see the struggles of two people in love and how they deal with control. Jason honestly expresses his anger and frustration, and Ellie hear listens to him without judgment. Witness as Jason questions his mind and discovers, to his amazement, that she is the mirror of his thinking. His discoveries clearly show us that what we’re believing about our partner’s anger can cost us the wisdom they’re offering. Can Jason open his mind and be willing to find to where Ellie is right? Can we really hear our partner under all circumstances? This inquiry is an eye-opener for all those who are in a relationship, and for all those who aren’t.
A recovering alcoholic does The Work on her beliefs about her daughter’s lack of forgiveness. With the help of Byron Katie’s patient and incisive questioning, she comes to see that although the alcohol is out of her life, her deep-seated denial of reality has persisted. In this video we see a vivid example of how The Work can help break through denial, as the woman acknowledges the turnaround “I won’t forgive me.”
This video makes it startlingly clear what happens when we believe our stressful thoughts and how, in all innocence, we create our own suffering. The young man doing The Work with Katie shows remarkable courage and openness of heart. He can be an example for all of us, showing us what it means to go deeply inside and discover the truths that set us free.
A woman has been upset for six and a half years because the father of her children hasn’t paid child-support. Watch as a wife and mother finds that she has the perfect husband and father of her children, if only her mind wouldn’t tell her otherwise. Her story is our story. Her many thoughts around the “unsettled” debt have made it impossible for her to see the person in front of her. Her turnarounds are deeply challenging and, for her, a powerful opening of the heart. To bring one turnaround home to each of us, Katie finds examples in her own life.
“If my partner has a flaw, who is believing that?” Byron Katie says. “Where’s the flaw? If I’m the one seeing it, I am its creator.”
Katie offers a personal example of how we project our flaws onto others. With the eyes of love, she can see her ex-husband standing before her, perfect, acting in a way that other people think is unacceptable. Through self-inquiry, we too can see our partners clearly, without the filter of our judgments.
A woman is devastated because her fiance has called off their wedding, calling her a whore. Through inquiry, the confusion about who was clinging to the past is cleared. When she discovers what actually happened rather than her story of it, her shame and anger change to delight.