Podcast: How to Listen to Your Partner, Part 1—The Work of Byron Katie in Zurich

 

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A husband and wife do The Work with Byron Katie during her 2017 Zurich event. (In English with German translation.) Katie asks the husband to look his wife in the eyes and read from the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet he has written about her.

BK: I invite everyone to this exercise. Allow yourself to listen to your partner and notice: is what they are saying true? Are they right? And if they are, you’re going to feel the burn if your ego is defending you. When you feel that burn from thinking “It’s not fair; he always judges me,” just drop into silence and notice, considering for yourself whether it’s true or not. If he’s right, allow a response of “Thank you” to be enough.

 

For a list of upcoming events, click here.

Katie’s new book, A Mind At Home With Itself

Recent Podcast, Elise is Ignoring Me—The Work of Byron Katie

Podcast: Elise is Ignoring Me—The Work of Byron Katie

Elise is Ignoring Me—The Work of Byron Katie

Byron Katie does The Work with a French man who believes that his girlfriend is ignoring him. His concept is “I’m angry with Elise because she’s ignoring me.” He explains that she’s passionately interested in another man.

Listen to this Podcast on iTunes.

Man: The situation is: we are in a dance hall in the countryside and a man comes along.

BK: What is she doing in that moment when you say she’s ignoring you?

Man: I’m sitting down. Two people come in and start talking to the man about dancing. Her eyes light up and she speaks passionately to that man. It’s as though there are no other people on earth.

BK: Close your eyes and see the scene. She’s ignoring you—Is it true?

Man: Yes.

BK: Look again. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? She is looking only at him. She is looking starry eyed. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

Man: No.

BK: What did you just understand?

Man: I felt included in the room with them.

BK: Does that feel right? In other words, what you just experienced; was it authentic?

Man: Yes.

BK: Close your eyes. In that situation in that moment in time, notice what it feels like and notice how you react when you think the thought she’s ignoring me?

Man: I feel abandoned, nervous, and angry.

BK: You see images of past and future before you can feel annoyed or angry. And I love that you all understand how the mind works; the cause of emotion. You see images of the future and past and you’re asleep to that. As you witness that dream it’s like watching a movie and that’s what brings anger. No matter how quickly your temper rises, past-future has to be in place. So close your eyes. You’re seeing her with her eyes all lit up talking to him. You think the thought “She’s ignoring me.” What images of past and future do you see in your mind’s eye while you’re sitting there? Do you see images of how she used to look at you that way? And then you see pictures in your mind’s eye of a future when she’ll never look at you that way again. Also, you look at him, and then you have an image of you in your mind’s eye. And your mind is comparing him with you. So now you’re sure she’ll never look at you that way again. She’ll always be thinking of him. This is what happened in that moment that you were witnessing her.

Man: Laughs [in recognition of his experience that Katie just described].

BK: So you witness this past and future; you don’t know it’s going on in the moment. If you continue this practice, as you sit in that movie, you can be awake to the cause of the anger and confusion you’re experiencing in the moment.

Now in your mind’s eye, look at her, look at them, and take that story off of then. Get intimate; watch. Get connected. Who would you be, without putting that onto those two people? Without comparing.

Man: I would be happy for her; that she’s able to talk about her passion.

BK: What we want is for everyone to be happy. Why does it have to be you that makes her happy? But no, you want only you to give her that. That is limited love; conditional love.

Man: I’m at peace. It doesn’t bother me. I can accept it.

The Turnarounds

Man: I’m ignoring her.
Examples:
I’m ignoring her passion; her feelings.
I left without her.

BK: When I turn around “I’m ignoring her,” I witness in my mind’s eye, did I ignore her or punish her in any way in the situation? And later, did I hold a resentment; continue not to call, not to talk? Did I continue to punish her or ignore her in any way? If I have, and if it feels right, I contact her, admit it, and make it right where I can. I created it; I need to end my part. It’s like the breadcrumbs; you go back and pick them up, or that will be your past. Take care of it in the present time. It’s a practice.

 

Another Turnaround

Man: I’m ignoring myself.
Examples:
I love her and this is not proof of my love.
I hurt myself all on my own.

BK: Yes, by comparing you with him in your mind’s eye.

With your eyes closed, look at him and look at you. The way you experienced that situation. Look at yourself in your mind’s eye, is that you? No one has ever seen themselves. Not one human being. You see what you imagine yourself to be. When you look at how you saw yourself that night, it was not your best image. You always lose when you compare. You’re always more or less. You believe that’s you so you’re identified as that image which is not you. You’re in the dream and it will affect your next relationships.

I love that you notice any time you feel upset, that you’re in the past and future. You’re not in reality. In reality there’s no anger, no jealousy, no more, no less. Just sanity.

When you compare, you lose. —Byron Katie

 

Related Links:

Katie’s new book, A Mind At Home With Itself.

She Tries To Control Me: She Needs To Trust Me

Why Isn’t He Vulnerable—The Work of Byron Katie

Video: He Gave Up on Me

A young woman is heartbroken because she believes that her boyfriend gave up on her. She describes being on a plane and hearing a song that she once sang to him. In that moment, she feels hopeless and angry at the world. Byron Katie guides her to drop into stillness, question the thought, and meditate on the turnaround “I gave up on him.” “This is intimacy—mind understanding itself,” Katie says.

Other concepts she questions are: “I want him to see me,” “I want him to give me another chance,” “I want him to open his heart to me,” “I want only him,” “I want him to understand me,” “He should see where I was coming from,” “He shouldn’t be so stubborn,” “He should see how much I’ve changed,” “He should see how good we could be now,” “I need him to take me back,” and “I need him to trust me.” Katie invites her to turn each of these thoughts around and wake herself up.


Webcasts: http://www.livewithbyronkatie.com

Video: He Read My Journals

Melissa from Texas feels violated when she believes that her ex-husband read her journals. After questioning her belief, she notes that she violates herself with her constant fear, and by putting herself in situations that make her fearful.

“Past and future are nothing,” Katie points out. “When we believe our thoughts, we’re in a movie, worried over nothing.” After hearing this, it occurs to Melissa that she’s been afraid of nothing her entire life.

Watch our webcast, here.

Video: I Could Have Done It Differently

 

Carmella from Atlanta lost her temper with close friends and made them leave her home. She asks, “How do I get over this without forgiveness and without any accountability from them?” Byron Katie says, “I can be accountable for my part; that’s all that I can do.  What I am thinking and believing is what causes my anger, not anything that they said or did.” Katie guides her in meditating on the moment when she was angry, so that she can capture her thoughts on paper, question them, and set herself free.

Watch the next webcast, here.

Byron Katie on Love, Sex and Relationships

Byron Katie on Love, Sex and Relationships

The voice within is what I’m married to. All marriage is a metaphor for that marriage. My lover is the place that an honest yes or no comes from. That’s my true partner. It’s always there. And to tell you yes when my integrity says no is to divorce that partner.

thework.com

Video: She Tries To Control Me (trailer)

In this intimate session between a man and a woman, we see the struggles of two people in love and how they deal with control. Jason honestly expresses his anger and frustration, and Ellie hear listens to him without judgment. Witness as Jason questions his mind and discovers, to his amazement, that she is the mirror of his thinking. His discoveries clearly show us that what we’re believing about our partner’s anger can cost us the wisdom they’re offering. Can Jason open his mind and be willing to find to where Ellie is right? Can we really hear our partner under all circumstances? This inquiry is an eye-opener for all those who are in a relationship, and for all those who aren’t.

Purchase the full video, here.

Video: My Daughter Won’t Forgive Me

A recovering alcoholic does The Work on her beliefs about her daughter’s lack of forgiveness. With the help of Byron Katie’s patient and incisive questioning, she comes to see that although the alcohol is out of her life, her deep-seated denial of reality has persisted. In this video we see a vivid example of how The Work can help break through denial, as the woman acknowledges the turnaround “I won’t forgive me.”

 

For more information visit:
Website: http://www.thework.com
Subscribe: http://www.youtube.com/theworkofbk

Video: Being Gay Is Unnatural…

This video makes it startlingly clear what happens when we believe our stressful thoughts and how, in all innocence, we create our own suffering. The young man doing The Work with Katie shows remarkable courage and openness of heart. He can be an example for all of us, showing us what it means to go deeply inside and discover the truths that set us free.

Subscribe on YouTube, here.

Video: He Owes Me

A woman has been upset for six and a half years because the father of her children hasn’t paid child-support. Watch as a wife and mother finds that she has the perfect husband and father of her children, if only her mind wouldn’t tell her otherwise. Her story is our story. Her many thoughts around the “unsettled” debt have made it impossible for her to see the person in front of her.  Her turnarounds are deeply challenging and, for her, a powerful opening of the heart. To bring one turnaround home to each of us, Katie finds examples in her own life.

Subscribe to YouTube, here.

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